


Everything I Want is You (is you)

by unassuming



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Body Image Struggles, Childhood Best Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Pining, a bit of anxiety if you recognize it, mental health struggles, nothing graphic but could be triggering, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unassuming/pseuds/unassuming
Summary: I give my heartAnd burn everythingI can't see myself coming to youWhy don't you love me?Or the wheesa childhood best friends to lovers au
Relationships: Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Jung Wheein
Comments: 12
Kudos: 38





	1. K-9

**Author's Note:**

> **I’m just in an angsty mood so um, take a deep breath, brace yourself, embrace the journey. 
> 
> **I also don’t know a lot of these idols very well so their personalities are very general and only there to further the story, not necessarily a true reflection of who they are. Also I struggled finding people that Wheein hangs out with so this is what came out.
> 
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL  
> -This fic deals a bit with eating disorders, anxiety, and kind of depressing and harmful thoughts.  
> -There's also some scenes with cancer in here and some blood so if that's triggering please be mindful. It's not a lot but it is still present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of 2021/1/3, this chapter has been updated. One deleted scene and a few added scenes.

When Wheein is five years old she gets dropped off at kindergarten class for the very first time.

The fluorescent lights are too bright in her eyes and the room smells like some kid farted. Fourteen other boys and girls share the room with her but Wheein’s table only has one other kid sitting at it with her instead of two.

For the first month, Wheein despises kindergarten. Her classmates are noisy and since Wheein doesn’t have any siblings at home, her house is perpetually quiet. Wheein likes it that way.

During the second month Wheein falls in love with drawing. The classroom has one of those big boxes of crayons, with its own built in crayon sharpener. Wheein spends her time during indoor recess coloring the ladybugs on the rug and doodling images that are supposed to resemble her teacher.

The kids don’t really talk to Wheein and she likes it that way. Her parents seem curious about it though. They ask her time and time again if she has made any friends at school. But when she shakes her head and hands them a picture instead, they still pin in on the fridge with wide smiles. So clearly Wheein hasn’t done anything wrong.

Her days before January are monotonous. Wheein advances to drawing shapes and she obsesses slightly over perfecting straight lines. The texture of the crayon against the paper leaves smudged marks as opposed to the clean lines of her pencils but this is no excuse for how shaky her hands are when she tries to draw a triangle. Wheein uses rulers and books and anything with a straight edge to perfect the triangles and ignores the rambunctious behavior or her peers in the background.

That is until one kid waltzes into the classroom. The paint is peeling off the walls and there’s a leak in the ceiling and this new girl fits right in with her dirty white shoes and her pleated skirt that doesn’t fit quite right. She has chubby cheeks and her uniform top already has a stain on the shoulder.

The new girl introduces herself as Hyejin and makes friends instantly.

Wheein is kind of surprised. Hyejin is loud and outgoing, engaging in conversations like she was born for it. Wheein pictures her as a news show host and draws a picture of rainbows and tornadoes and a small house with cracks in the walls.

The teacher puts Hyejin at her table to complete the five groups of three but Wheein doesn’t really interact with her. Not her first day there, and not her fifth. No, Wheein’s first interaction with Hyejin comes two weeks after her abrupt arrival.

During one rainy afternoon recess, Wheein plays with the building blocks, her little tongue poking out of her mouth in concentration. The colorful blocks definitely have a distinct pattern they were meant to be stacked in but Wheein forgoes this in the name of creativity and freewill. Instead she arranges them by her favorite colors, putting the boring ones on the bottom and the pretty ones on the top.

Wheein is placing a yellow block on the very top when there’s loud footsteps to the right of Wheein. She glances up to find the new kid, situating herself on her end of the table, right across from Wheein. Hyejin likes to untuck her uniform and wear her socks slightly too low for the dress code. Her shirt is rumpled and Wheein’s fingers twitch in reflex to straighten out the creases.

“Hey,” Hyejin says. Her voice is high and childish but there’s an odd note to it, like maybe she’s trying to purposely lower her tone.

Wheein just stares at her, not really sure what to do.

“I fell for you,” Hyejin continues, unabashed and shameless, “Want to be friends?”

And that’s all there is to it.

+++++

Wheein gets home that day and toes off her shoes with zeal, almost hitting the wall with a flying shoe in her haste.

Her house is always quiet but somehow it’s still loud in Wheein’s ears. When the silence is too stifling, Wheein will pretend she can hear other things, like a wind chime or a dog barking or the sound of a bicycle.

Today Wheein fills the house with the slide of her feet against the hardwood floors. Her mother won’t be home till late but her dad is sitting in their living room, reclined in the big brown chair. Wheein throws herself onto his lap and he grunts. His belly trembles with a loud laugh and Wheein curls herself on his chest, feeling overcome with fondness as he brushes back her hair.

“I made a friend today,” Wheein proudly reports.

“You did?” Her dad’s eyes widen comically and Wheein giggles.

“Yes. Her name is Hyejin and we are going to be the best of friends,” Wheein states boldly.

“I’m sure you are pumpkin,”

+++++

They hit it off instantly, as Wheein suspected. Hyejin grasps Wheein’s hand in hers firmly, dragging her into the world of her classmates that Wheein never really knew. They’re nicer than Wheein thought, once she gets past just how hyper everyone is.

Wheein feels her tummy clench painfully whenever her classmates get too close, yell too loudly, or wave too excitedly. The noise is a quick turn around from what Wheein leaves behind in her home and she can’t really decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Throughout it all, Hyejin stands by her side. Her best friend is incredibly smart, Wheein is convinced, and she has solid proof of this claim. Despite what her teachers whisper when the kids are playing, Hyejin seems to know a lot about the world. She tells Wheein that giraffes are the tallest animal known to man and looks extremely confident so Wheein assumes this must be true. She also knows when Wheein is feeling uncomfortable from a single glance.

Wheein can’t really explain why her louder classmates make her uncomfortable but Hyejin doesn’t. If anything, her best friend is probably the loudest person in the class. She can be a little sassy to the teachers but Wheein finds it particularly funny when Hyejin mentions to one teacher that her hair looks messy when she comes running in late.

Of course, Hyejin said it differently. When Wheein thinks about it, trying to remember the words exactly, it doesn’t seem as funny.

Overall, Wheein just really likes being with Hyejin. Her best friend has this really pretty smile that Wheein loves and when Hyejin is smiling, so is Wheein. That just prompts more smiling and sometimes laughing and Wheein gets that feeling in her chest that reminds her of the trip she took across the country right when the airplane ascended into the sky.

Nevertheless, Hyejin still insists Wheein at least try to play with their classmates. And Wheein does try. But sometimes the noise is too much for Wheein’s brain. Her head will ache and Hyejin will press patient and cold fingers to Wheein’s temple. She doesn’t say anything, but Hyejin smiles encouragingly to Wheein when the kids invite Wheein to jump rope.

  
Wheein returns to Hyejin’s side and her best friend knocks their shoulders together with a small smile. And maybe their classmates aren’t too bad.

+++++

During nap time they have designated bathroom breaks, dismissed by mat. Wheein enters the bathroom first and when she exits the stall, Hyejin is waiting for her.

“What if… we climbed on top of the sink?”

Wheein rolls her eyes, “We shouldn’t,”

But of course Hyejin sees this as a challenge and then she’s hefting herself onto the sink. Wheein watches her lift her skirt to reveal more of her chubby legs and waits for Hyejin to give up and just get the skirt wet.

Instead Hyejin palms the mirror, getting her handprints all over it as she stands on shaky legs. Hyejin is alarmingly high up to little Wheein and she has to tilt her head back to look at Hyejin.

The bright lighting behind Hyejin forces Wheein to squint. Hyejin shifts on the sink and Wheein hears a snap. She looks down and sees the knob of the faucet sitting in the porcelain tub and frowns.

“You broke the sink,”

Hyejin looks down and shrugs. “Hey Wheenie watch this,”

She jumps and Wheein’s breath catches in her throat. Hyejin is weightless for a few seconds before she hits the ground hard, crouching to absorb the impact. There’s a wild grin on her face and Wheein laughs when she does. Hyejin grabs at Wheein’s hand and then they’re both scrambling onto the sinks, jumping and hoping to take flight.

When their teacher catches them, Wheein is on the floor and Hyejin is on the sink. Hyejin takes all of the blame and gets sent home from school early that day.

Wheein frowns when she watches Hyejin’s dad escort her out. Hyejin turns around in the doorway and shoots Wheein a wink.

So maybe it isn’t so bad after all.

+++++

In the first grade, Hyejin and Wheein are put in separate classes.

Hyejin pouts about this almost constantly at home. Her parents roll their eyes and tell her she’s fine. Hyejin scoffs and stomps around the house, proclaiming her objection loudly.

They don’t live very close to each other either. Hyejin’s house is further from the city, almost a fifteen minute walk. Wheein is a five minute walk on the opposite side of town.

Nevertheless, Hyejin is nothing if not determined.

She sneaks out of the house a lot. It’s definitely not safe or sane for a first grader but the people in their town are always so nice and if Hyejin’s parents won’t let her see Wheein then really they were just asking for Hyejin to sneak out.

The window in her room has a broken latch and if Hyejin wiggles it enough, the wood will slide easily. Hyejin can climb through the hole easily, especially since there’s no screen. She has to slide out on her belly, getting dirt all over her clothes.

Sometimes her sister will see her and frown, but Hyejin always leaves before the lecture can start.

(she’s so tired of being yelled at)

The walk to Wheein’s house takes her twenty five minutes. Hyejin meanders there slowly today though. The wind is brisk and her thin coat isn’t enough to keep out the chill. There’s still some leaves on the trees and flowers in bloom and Hyejin plucks a few off the ground. Her fingers freeze in the cold air but Hyejin ignores how it bites her skin and holds the flowers anyway.

When she makes it to Wheein’s house, Wheein is sitting on the driveway, hunched over with chalk in her hand. There’s colorful depictions of rainbows and animals lining the driveway and Hyejin smiles when Wheein looks up and catches her eye.

“For you,” Hyejin thrusts the flowers at Wheein’s face.

Her best friend squeals but still takes the flowers anyway. Her fingers brush Hyejin’s and there’s a pleasant buzz in her cold fingers from the contact. Hyejin plops down next to Wheein, hooking her chin onto Wheein’s shoulder as Wheein brushes the petals with the tips of her fingers. Hyejin nuzzles her cold nose into the warm skin of Wheein’s neck.

“You’re cold,” Wheein complains.

“You’re warm,” Hyejin counters, wrapping her arms around Wheein.

The other girl protests loudly, squirming to get away but one of her hands grasps Hyejin’s arm. She pulls her down and Hyejin finds herself sprawled out on the pavement, feeling Wheein laugh against her.

Hyejin’s chest expands with warmth and the cold seems to disappear. Wheein just looks so pretty when she laughs. Her brow scrunches and her cheeks rise and the sound of her happiness drowns out all of Hyejin’s thoughts, leaving her blissfully immersed in Wheein.

“We should go inside,” Wheein says thoughtfully after her laughter dies down, “You’ll catch a cold,”

Hyejin shakes her head, “I need to go back,”

“Sneaking out again?” Wheein grins.

“I wanted to see you,” Hyejjn pouts, “Why do you live so far?”

Wheein doesn’t bother answering her. Instead she presses a kiss to Hyejin’s jaw, warm and wet. Hyejin’s pout fades immediately and she beams at Wheein. The pavement underneath her hands is rough but Wheein’s lips are always so nice against her skin.

“I swear you aren’t built for the winter,” Wheein tsks, pressing her cheek to Hyejin’s and holding her close. She opens Hyejin’s jacket to fit herself inside, trying to infuse Hyejin with her body heat.

“That’s because I was born in the summer,” Hyejin says as though this is an obvious explanation, “The winter is my enemy,”

Wheein cackles, and Hyejin likes how she shakes against her. Wheein always smells so sweet, like the flowers Hyejin picked or the perfume her eldest sister likes. Hyejin just thinks that Wheein’s kindness manifests in her scent.

“My summer,” Wheein coos, “Warm and bright,”

Hyejin burrows further into Wheein, “Again,”

“What?” Wheein asks, her voice teasing.

“I like that,” Hyejin insists, her voice faint from how she speaks into Wheein’s shoulder.

“My summer?” When Hyejin nods against her in confirmation, Wheein presses a kiss to Hyejin’s temple.

“If you have me around, I’ll always keep you warm and happy. Like the summer,” Hyejin affirms.

Wheein laughs again, “Pretty sure I’m the one keeping you warm right now.”

Hyejin doesn’t have a response for that so she doesn’t say anything. Just enjoys Wheein’s steady heartbeat in her chest.

She wants it to be like this forever.

+++++

First grade isn’t all bad though.

Hyejin has more friends than fingers. She becomes fast friends with Chungha, Jessi and Soo-jung, all from the other kindergarten class.

Chungha has a really pretty voice and Hyejin likes to listen to her read. Sometimes, when they have indoor recess, Hyejin will cuddle close to Chungha and Chungha will read aloud. Her voice is high and Hyejin pictures a delicate bird whenever Chungha laughs at something she’s read. They don’t fit as well as Wheein and Hyejin but her skin is warm where it presses against Hyejin and the cadence of her voice soothes Hyejin.

Jessi is just like her and Hyejin likes her instantly. They end up sitting next to each other and Jessi makes her laugh at the worst of times. Once, they had a guest speaker who brought in some animals for educational purposes. The man brought out a skunk and Jessi had asked him why he smelled so bad. He said that the skunk used its stench as a defense but Jessi had clarified by saying the speaker himself smelled bad.

Hyejin and Jessi had been the only two laughing in the entire class and were both sent to the hallway for a timeout. It wasn’t much of a punishment considering that Hyejin and Jessi spent the entire time making fun of the speaker.

Soo-jung excels at making friendship bracelets and offers one to Hyejin. It’s extremely colorful, featuring all of the colors of the rainbow and looks much more intricate than the simple braid that Hyejin still can’t do. Soo-jung braids tiny sections of Hyejin’s hair when they get bored and tries to teach Hyejin how to braid Soo-jung’s hair.

She doesn’t even complain when Hyejin just tangles her hair and really, first grade is a breeze.

+++++

For Wheein’s eighth birthday, she sets up a tent in her back lawn.

It isn’t very hard to put up but Wheein still feels accomplished when she looks at her set up. There's a basket of snacks that her parents put together and Wheein rifles through it. Four sandwiches and chips and enough candy for Wheein to get a sugar high but probably not enough for her to throw up. Unless she eats it too fast.

But she’s eight now. She knows things. Like how to not eat candy so fast that she throws up.

Hyejin comes barreling into the backyard half an hour later. Wheein had been laying in the grass, looking up at the clouds when the loud footsteps of her friend broke the silence.

Wheein had shot up like a rocket and Hyejin had tackled her with force, hugging Wheein tightly. She comes bearing no gift except herself and Wheein doesn’t mind. Hyejin is always enough for her.

They roll around in the grass for a while. Wheein demonstrates the handstand she learned in tumbling class and Hyejin counters her with an awful cartwheel. It’s mostly just Hyejin putting her hands down and kicking up her legs, moving about five centimeters to the left.

Wheein barks out a laugh and Hyejin tickles her until Wheein apologizes.

There’s s’mores that Wheein’s mom heats up in their microwave and Hyejin eats messily. She has crumbs all over her mouth and jacket and Wheein smiles so hard her cheeks hurt.

She brushes the crumbs off Hyejin while her friend looks on passively, probably thinking about the best way to continue eating the s'more without encouraging Wheein to move away.

In the end Hyejin holds Wheein’s hand and eats with the other, recounting a story about Soo-jung and their last adventure.

“You have marshmallow all over you,” Wheein interrupts, pointing with her other hand at Hyejin’s chubby cheeks.

Hyejin sticks out her tongue, trying to wipe it off without forfeiting either thing she holds. Wheein sighs dramatically and wipes it off herself, her fingers sticky with the marshmallow.

Wheein whines, shoving her dirty fingers in Hyejin’s face, “The things I do for you,” she complains.

“My hero,” Hyejin remarks, rolling her eyes, “Here,”

Hyejin leans forward and takes two of Wheein’s fingers in her mouth. Wheein flushes and there’s a sudden heat in her cheeks that she knows is a blush. Hyejin’s mouth is warm and Wheein would’ve thought Hyejin’s saliva would be gross-

But Hyejin sucks her fingers, cheeks hollowing with the effort. Her eyes are cast downward, focusing on the task and Wheein’s stomach flips when her tongue wiggles against Wheein’s fingers. It’s an odd sensation and Wheein wonders why she suddenly can’t suck in enough air.

Hyejin let's go with a messy pop and grins at Wheein, “There. All clean.”

“Yeah,” Wheein whispers, her voice strangled, “Thanks,”

They lay down together in the tent and in the morning, Wheein catches Hyejin snoring loudly. She whacks Hyejin’s arm and Hyejin just lays down on top of Wheein and goes back to sleep, muffling Wheein’s complaints.

When Wheein wakes up again, she forgets what she was dreaming about.

+++++

Third grade is largely uneventful. Hyejin hates her teacher but she still has Soo-jung in her class so she guesses it’s okay. Wheein invites her over to sleepovers and Hyejin’s parents make her decline over half of the time. They keep telling Hyejin she has to take school seriously but Hyejin can’t seem to figure out why.

Math is awful. She doesn’t even know what they’re doing in class. The numbers keep getting bigger and they have to do more complicated stuff with them now. Multiplication is Hyejin’s worst nightmare and she complains to Soo-jung loudly when she fails another math quiz.

Physical education is just as bad. Hyejin is slower than everyone else and while she enjoys getting to run around, her teacher frowns everytime she is the last one to the finish line. Hyejin doesn’t really know why his eyes linger on her hips but she doesn’t let it bother her. Why would she when all her friends have no trouble playing tag with her even if she is the slowest?

Literature is probably Hyejin’s best subject but she has Chungha to thank for that. They read together and Chungha explains some of the bigger words to Hyejin. It seems pointless to read all these stories when Hyejin has an endless supply in her imagination but her parents smile at her when she gets an A for her reading assignment so Hyejin learns to pick her battles.

When her math grade becomes a C, Hyejin is allowed her first sleepover with Wheein in two weeks. Hyejin knows this because she keeps a tally in her notebook. There’s a section for the amount of days that have gone by since Hyejin got to play with Wheein that Hyejin keeps bookmarked in the margins of her math spiral.

They play card games and watch movies and Hyejin throws popcorn in Wheein’s hair.

Hyejin feels something light and warm overtake her entire body. It reminds Hyejin of the vibration of Wheein’s laugh and the soft skin of Wheein’s dimple that Hyejin likes to poke at.

Wheein brushes back her hair with her fingers and Hyejin reaches forward to mess it up, laughing when Wheein complains and fixes it, swatting at Hyejin’s pestering hands.

They stand side by side in the bathroom, brushing their teeth. Wheein brushes hers calmly and Hyejin scrubs at her teeth. She’s seen the actors on TV have pearly white teeth and Hyejin wants hers to shine like that.

When she explains this to Wheein, her best friend frowns and she bumps her nose against Hyejin’s cheek. They lay on the twin bed together, Hyejin’s leg thrown over Wheein’s hips and Wheein’s hands holding Hyejin’s cold ones.

“Your teeth are pretty,” Wheein protests.

“But they’re not very white,”

“So?”

“So I want them to be white,”

Wheein presses a kiss to the corner of Hyejin’s mouth. The frown Hyejin hadn’t even realized was present on her face disappears and Wheein smiles.

“I like your smile,” Wheein says honestly, one of her hands cupping Hyejin’s face and brushing her thumb over Hyejin’s bottom lip.

Her breath catches in her chest and Hyejin feels a weight lift from her shoulders and a different weight settles in the bottom of her stomach. It’s low and almost painful and Hyejin can feel tears pool in her eyes.

Wheein makes a noise of alarm and presses harder into Hyejin. Her knobby knees dig into Hyejin’s thighs and all Hyejin can smell is Wheein, sweet and fleeting like the wind.

Her best friend presses a kiss to her forehead, then to both her cheeks. Wheein’s kisses are soft and deliberate. She lingers after every kiss, leaving an imprint on Hyejin’s skin.

“My summer,” Wheein says, her voice like honey. Hyejin clenches her teeth and when they grind she remembers that it is actually impossible to rot your teeth on the sugar in someone’s tone.

“You’re beautiful,” Wheein tries again.

And Hyejin opens her mouth because yes she is but Wheein is also beautiful. There’s a panic that rises in her at the thought that maybe Wheein doesn’t know that.

“Wheenie~”

“Go to sleep,” Wheein tugs Hyejin’s head to fit in the crook of her neck and Hyejin’s body relaxes against the hold, secure and helpless to do anything but obey Wheein’s command.

+++++

Wheein’s mom quits her second job and Wheein thinks that maybe she’ll have more time for her now.

Instead her mom plays on their new computer, a huge machine in a separate that Wheein is only allowed to touch when her mom isn’t on it.

Sometimes Wheein sits on her mom’s lap and watches her play on the computer. She doesn’t really care about the things on the screen, but her mom will tell her five more minutes and then they can play a board game as a family.

Five minutes always becomes ten becomes twenty becomes Wheein’s bed time.

Wheein tucks herself in at night and tries to ignore how hollow the silence feels, large and consuming against Wheein’s lone figure curled in her bed.

+++++

Hyejin’s older sister gets a boyfriend.

He smells and Hyejin winces everytime they hang out in her living room. The walls are thin and Hyejin’s parents are always working.

Her sister is only in middle school, six years her senior, but she smiles at the boy like she’s in love and he breaks their mothers favorite vase.

She takes the blame and her parents are distraught. Hyejin thinks that loving someone means sacrifice when her parents start screaming and the walls do nothing to hide their outrage.

It’s kind of nice for their wrath to be directed at someone else for once and Hyejin immediately feels guilty for this thought when her sister comes out of the kitchen with red rimmed eyes and a quivering lip.

That night, Hyejin grips a thin blanket firmly against her, body shaking from the cold. There are police sirens in the distance and Hyejin’s sister keeps sniffing in the dark. If there was something Hyejin could say to make it better, she would. But she doesn’t know what that is.

Her parents announce two weeks later that they’re moving.

+++++

Wheein glares at the for sale sign in Hyejin’s yard. They’re going into fourth grade in a month and she can’t believe that Hyejin is going to be gone.

“We won’t be moving far,” Hyejin promises her, rubbing her hands up and down Wheein’s arms.

The heat is sweltering today and Wheein’s popsicle has melted in her hands. There’s a sticky mess of orange juice drying on her fingers. Hyejin had finished her popsicle before suffering the same fate. Her lips are stained red and Wheein wonders if she tastes like cherries right now.

Tasting Hyejin has a weird ring in Wheein’s ears and she’s so focused on those syllables in her mind that she misses whatever it is that Hyejin says.

“What?” Wheein asks, focusing again on Hyejin.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Hyejin repeats, her voice distraught.

There’s always so much emotion in Hyejin, Wheein discovered. She loves loudly and celebrates fiercely. Her sorrow fills their small town with rain clouds and her anger brings lightning.

Sometimes Wheein thinks that Hyejin has swallowed this town whole.

But maybe that’s just Wheein’s overactive imagination.

People wave at her when they walk by. All the store owners seem to know Hyejin and she waves back at them. Hyejin takes a lot of interest in the business of others and Wheein thinks it’s funny that Hyejin can list off which pets are indoor animals and which ones are lost.

(Hyejin is deathly allergic to animals so she always makes Wheein carry the misplaced dog or cat)

“I know,” Wheein says and Hyejin’s grip becomes bruising on her arms.

Wheein doesn’t really mind. Hyejin’s touch grounds her in the present.

“I love you Wheein,”

“Of course,” Wheein’s fingers pull Hyejin’s hands from her arms and thread them together.

Both girls look down at their joint hands and Wheein almost blushes at how she’s made a mess of Hyejin’s hands. Hyejin just holds on tight, mindless of the popsicle now staining her hands.

“We’re forever,” Wheein promises. Later that day, Wheein draws Hyejin a picture of a lion (because a neighborhood cat doesn’t quite fit Hyejin’s style) and a dog and a summer sun. It has a few tear stains on it, but when Wheein tries to apologize, Hyejin just hugs her fiercely. She cries too and then there’s matching stains on the paper, darkening some of the colors.

Hyejin’s house gets sold right before the start of school.

+++++

Sometimes Hyejin’s mom will yell at her.

Hyejin doesn’t really know why all of the time. Sometimes it’s about her grades, sometimes it’s about her eating habits, sometimes it’s about her attitude.

She stopped keeping track a while ago.

Her dad holds her hand and lets her sit on his lap when he drives the riding lawn mower. During those times, Hyejin can forget about her mom’s anger.

(she can forget that she’s always doing something wrong if she closes her eyes hard enough and wills away the words in her ears and the anger in front of her)

+++++

The new house has a pool and a huge yard and a tire swing.

Hyejin still has to share her room but now her oldest sister lives in the basement room so there’s one less bed to take up space.

It’s smaller, much smaller, and Hyejin missed the nooks and crannies of her old house.

But the neighborhood is bigger and there’s more kids her age and when she goes to sleep at night Hyejin can’t hear the police sirens.

(the walls are still thin and Hyejin knows this because her parents give her another lecture and Hyejin’s sister looks at her with something sad in her eyes when Hyejin makes an escape to the basement afterward)

Nevertheless, Her parents seem happier most of the time and Hyejin finds the house less oppressive than the last.

One of the first things Hyejin does at the new house is finally learn to ride her bike. During one of her attempts, she bumps into another kid, just up the street from her.

She has dark brown hair and wide eyes and kind of reminds Hyejin of a hamster. She tells the girl as much and her bottom lip quivers.

There’s tears and Hyejin starts crying as well, still not sure what she did wrong.

“It’s cute!” Hyejin rushes to reassure her, bike forgotten in the street. She reaches out to comfort the other girl but she flinches away and Hyejin wipes at her own tears with the back of her hand.

“You look like a chipmunk,” the other girl retaliates a good two minutes after crying.

“Thank you,” Hyejin says on autopilot, “I can store lots of food in my mouth just like a chipmunk.”

And Hyejin has apparently said something right because the girl bursts out laughing. When she smiles, Hyejin notices that she has incredibly straight teeth. There’s a small scar on her right hand that moves to cover the lower half of her face and Hyejin smiles hesitantly.

“I’m Moon Byulyi,” the girl introduces.

Her voice, Hyejin notices, is charming and there’s something familiar about her.

“I think we’ve met before,” Hyejin says.

Byulyi nods, “You’re Ahn Hyejin. I know Chungha. I think you were at one of her birthday parties. We’ve been family friends for forever.” Byulyi sticks out her hand.

“Welcome to the neighborhood.”

+++++

Hyejin’s last year at school with Wheein seems anticlimactic.

They still aren’t in the same class and Hyejin ditches all of her other friends to play with Wheein at every recess. At lunch, Hyejin ignores the assigned seating and plops down next to Wheein until a teacher yells at her. In the hallways, Hyejin holds her hand out of line whenever she sees Wheein and they high five softly. Hyejin always catches her hand afterward and holds on until they’re forced apart by the moving lines of kids.

Wheein always walks backward to look at Hyejin when it happens. Hyejin keeps walking forward, but she turns around every three steps to wave back at Wheein until one or the other is out of sight.

+++++

Hyejin holds Wheein close on her last day in school.

It’s supposed to be a celebratory party. There’s cake and hats and candy and Hyejin can’t focus on any of it.

She said her goodbyes to all of her other friends. Wheein had stood in the corner and waited.

Wheein always waits for her.

There’s a stone in Hyejin’s stomach that she can’t digest. Wheein’s mouth is always so pretty, pink and full, and Hyejin hates when it's downturned like this. Wheein bites down on her bottom lip and Hyejin knows she’s trying not to cry.

Hyejin presses loud kisses to Wheein’s cheeks. Her arms are tight around Wheein and they’re pressed thigh to thigh, hip to hip, chest to chest. Wheein buries her face in Hyejin’s hair and inhales. Her body shakes against Hyejin and her grip is starting to hurt Hyejin’s hips.

But none of that matters.

What matters is the way Wheein feels against her. How she smells. The shakiness in her legs. Hyejin commits it all to memory, as if this is the last time she’ll ever see Wheein.

Logically, Hyejin knows this isn’t goodbye forever. But she can’t seem to wrap her head around a world where Wheein isn’t at the same school as her, isn’t at recess or in the halls or making faces at her during lunch.

“You’re my forever,” Hyejin promises, and she can’t tell if she’s reminding Wheein or herself.

“Forever,” Wheein promises, squeezing tighter before stepping back. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a necklace.

It’s gold, with a pendant dangling from the end of the chain. There’s an H on it, bold and fierce and Hyejin loves it instantly.

“For you,” Wheein says, her legs doing a jittery little dance. “I was going to wait until your birthday but-“

“I love it,” Hyejin exclaims before Wheein can doubt herself anymore. She turns around and lets Wheein clasp it around her neck.

Wheein’s fingers brush the soft skin of Hyejin’s neck and she shivers. When Hyejin turns around, Wheein’s eyes are trained on the necklace and how it settles against Hyejin’s skin.

Hyejin stares at her best friend. Memorizes the arc of her cheek bones, the way her hair falls softly against her temples. She presses a messy kiss to Wheein’s jaw and hugs her again, breathing deeply.

They shudder together and Hyejin wishes it could always be like this.

+++++

Hyejin invites her to her new house to swim.

It’s still early in the summer and Hyejin still calls her every day. For the last three years, Wheein and Hyejin have been using their landlines to call each other every day after school. Hyejin has Wheein’s number memorized by heart and Wheein always keeps the wireless phone next to her on the dining room table when she gets home.

Hyejin gets picked up late from school so Wheein has to spend anywhere from half an hour to ninety minutes waiting for Hyejin’s call. Still, Wheein always picks up on the first ring.

Today Hyejin calls her with an invitation to her house. The warm weather has left Wheein sweating buckets. Hyejin’s new house is smaller than her last but the pool outside is huge and Wheein dips her toe in.

When she turns back around Wheein almost falls into the pool.

(and she isn’t sure why it’s just-)

Hyejin has on a swimsuit. It’s a two piece Wheein has never seen before. Hyejin’s arms and legs are thick and she has a soft and rounded tummy that Wheein likes to lay her head on. However, Wheein never really considered other parts of Hyejin’s body.

She’s still young and small but for whatever reason puberty has already started hitting Hyejin. Her chest is covered by two triangular pieces of fabric and Wheein thinks about her own flat body and wonders why it doesn’t look like that.

Her dad had told her that soon she’ll start feeling things for boys and getting body hair in weird places and bleeding from even weirder places. He mentioned her needing a bra but her mom and sisters promised that she wouldn’t need one for a while.

Hyejin glances up at Wheein and smiles, all wonder and fondness and Wheein relaxes. Hyejin’s body can change all it wants but this is Wheein’s Hyejinnie. Who’s soft and sweet and looks at Wheein like there’s nothing more important in her world.

Wheein throws Hyejin into the pool and jumps in right after her. Hyejin spits up a bunch of water she swallowed from screaming and retaliates by splashing Wheein. They fight in the pool briefly but Hyejin gets lazy with the gentle wind and the summer sun and ends up floating in the water. Her hair is getting longer and Wheein swats at it as it floats around, watching it separate before coming back together.

Later, they huddle together on the deck of the pool. Hyejin sings softly under her breath. Wheein tickles her and presses a kiss to her shoulder, a silent plea for Hyejin to sing louder.

As always, Hyejin ignores her request for all of ten seconds. Her notes are still low and snatched by the wind. Wheein squirms from her position tucked into Hyejin’s side and Hyejin raises her voice.

Lately, Hyejin’s voice has been a new brand of husky and Wheein worries about her catching a cold. The way she sings reminds Wheein of bonfire smoke and the sound of a pencil scratching against the paper. It’s satisfying and Wheein’s heart pounds a little faster when Hyejin sings.

Wheein joins in with her own voice, high and breathy, just to see Hyejin stutter off in song to smile brightly.

+++++

Summers are always the worst for Wheein. Her parents have year round jobs so they hire a babysitter for her. The girl is a sophomore in high school and makes Wheein food and checks in every few hours to make sure Wheein is still in the house.

The house, which is out in the middle of nowhere with no kids to play with and nothing to entertain Wheein.

So she draws.

Wheein spends a majority of the summer in her room. She draws with colored pencils and tries to remember what the sound of cars and footsteps and life sounds like. The silence is only filled by her babysitter watching something on the television. Wheein would join her if she really cared about any of the current ongoing shows.

There are sounds of women crying from some bad reality show her babysitter watches and Wheein draws a cow in a field, with green grass and clear skies and dandelions dotting the hillside.

It looks just as lonely as Wheein feels but at least the house isn’t so quiet.

+++++

Hyejin’s mom tells her she can’t invite Wheein to her birthday party.

It’s the summer before fifth grade and all Hyejin wants is a few of her close friends to come to her house for a sleepover.

And, yeah, she hasn’t seen Wheein since the middle of June. But that shouldn’t matter because Wheein is still her best friend. Hyejin is adamant that no amount of time or space will change that.

Besides they still call each other once a week. Hyejin will sit in the living room on the landline and Wheein will take her home phone to her room and they’ll update each other on their lives until they run out of things to say. When that happens Hyejin just listens to Wheein’s breathing, steady and present.

But Hyejin’s mom won’t budge. She says that Hyejin can’t ask Wheein to bring her a present when they don’t hang out much anymore and Hyejin thinks that’s ridiculous. Hyejin doesn’t want a present, she just wants Wheein.

She invites Jessi and Byulyi and Soo-jung after a lot of pouting and stomping.

All of the girls will be attending the same middle school. Byulyi has been in this school district all her life and Jessi’s parents had recently gotten a divorce. Her father won custody over her and moved them into this school district. Soo-jung can no longer afford private school which Hyejin is secretly happy about. She can’t bear the thought of leaving two of her best friends behind.

(still, she would prefer Wheein but she doesn’t say that. It’d be rude)

So she invites those three girls over. Jessi snuggles in close during a movie and Byulyi holds her hand and Soo-jung makes a horrible pun about the action sequence unfolding on the television and they make a pact that night. Weekly movie nights once school starts.

Hyejin laughs alongside Byulyi and forgets about the ache in her chest that resides just below the pendant on her chest.

+++++

Wheein actually hates fifth grade.

She is bored out of her mind. Christian school seems to produce carbon copies of kids and Wheein just wants to talk to someone without them bringing up their religion every three seconds.

Her language teacher is pretty rude but her math teacher is nice and Wheein stays in her room during lunch, drawing with colored pencils.

One afternoon, her teacher observes Wheein’s art from over her shoulder. She doesn’t say anything but two weeks later the seventh grade history teacher approaches her. He has a kind face and soft hands and he tells her about art club and drama.

Wheein isn’t old enough to join the drama yet but starts spending her afternoons in the upperclassman’s hallway. The art room is the brightest one in the building and Wheein discovers the joys of painting.

Sure finger painting is neat and all but the paint hits the canvas in a smooth movement that has Wheein instantly entranced. There’s a boy who’s a year her senior. He introduces himself as Seonghwan and he shows Wheein which brushes are best to use for which textures and Wheein feels happy in a way she never has while tumbling.

Her first painting is a sloppy rendition of a puppy. Some of the paint smudges unpleasantly at its stomach and Wheein is exhilarated with the challenge of mastering this new hobby.

She quits the sport a few days later and her parents buy her an easel for home.

+++++

Wheein’s teeth are clenched so tightly that Hyejin fears for their health.

She swears she can hear them cracking and Hyejin reaches out to smooth a hand along Wheein’s jaw. Her best friend has her hand grasped tightly in her own and Hyejin lifts them to press a kiss to the back of Wheein’s hand. Her hands are covered in paint but Hyejin is so focused on Wheein that she doesn’t notice the difference in texture.

They’re sitting in Wheein’s room, her easel in front of them. There’s a landscape painted on it, a brilliant array of greens and blues and purples. Hyejin had been in awe of it when she first saw it but there are angry tears rolling down Wheein’s cheeks and Hyejin is afraid of what went wrong.

“I messed it all up,” Wheein says, her voice shaking.

“It looks incredible,” Hyejin assures her, voice even.

“No it doesn’t,” Wheein snaps, her anger biting and her temper rising, “I didn’t get the correct shade for the flowers and my mom is going to be so disappointed because it’s her favorite flower field that borders our lake and the flowers are the important part-“

Wheein’s legs vibrate from where they are criss-crossed on the floor. Hyejin uses her free hand to smooth one down, rubbing it gently to ease the tremors. She bites her lip, unsure of what to do when Wheein is like this.

“Your mom will love it,” Hyejin tries to tell her.

“And I can’t even fix it because I don’t have any more paint or another canvas or-“

“Wheenie,”

“My mom deserves better than this, better than me-“

“Hey.” Hyejin’s voice is sharp and cuts through Wheein’s panic like an axe.

Wheein finally seems to notice Hyejin and she looks almost startled to see Hyejin there. Her eyes are squinted like that will keep the tears at bay and her mouth is tempered into a pout that shakes with her sadness.

“Don’t say that,” Hyejin starts, emboldened by Wheein’s attention.

There’s a confidence that builds within her whenever Wheein is there. It makes Hyejin feel invincible.

“You. Are a brilliant artist. This painting is incredible and your mom is going to be so touched that you made her something so thoughtful for her birthday. She’s going to realize how lucky she is to have you as a daughter and how blessed she was that you have discovered this talent of yours and used it to make this for her.”

Hyejin keeps her voice calm and doubtless. Wheein drinks in her every word, pressing her forehead to Hyejin, so close that Hyejin can taste the short breathes Wheein takes and Wheein inhales the confidence that Hyejin has in her.

After a few moments of Wheein’s erratic breathing, she nods. Wheein’s shoulders slump and her legs finally wear out and Hyejin catches Wheein when she falls.

There’s only a few tears and Wheein presses sloppy kisses to Hyejin’s neck in gratitude. Hyejin feels the weight of them like a blessing and they settle on the floor of Wheein’s room, too exhausted to move the extra few feet to the bed.

Hyejin lays down on top of Wheein and presses her face into Wheein’s chest. They fall asleep, breathing in sync before they’re fully down and neither complains about their joint pains in the morning.

+++++

Hyejin’s dad takes her shopping.

Her dad’s gaze is fond when he looks at her but now there’s a frown tugging at the corner of his mouth when he sees her legs. Spring is fast approaching and Hyejin’s shorts have become a little too tight. One weekend- when her mom is gone for the day to do extra work- Hyejin’s dad swings her around and plops her in his pick up truck. They’re off on an adventure, Hyejin’s dad proclaims loudly, to the shopping mall.

Usually, Hyejin’s mom takes her shopping. She’s good with the sales associates and makes lots of small talk while Hyejin wanders the aisles for something that catches her eye. Her mom will protest some of Hyejin’s choices and put them back on the rack, telling her that it will look ridiculous.

Hyejin’s dad is a different story.

A new store has just opened up and Hyejin thinks that deep blue carpet of the floors might be her new favorite color. Lots of the clothes have ruffles and sparkles and Hyejin picks out everything shiny and warm. Her dad laughs when she twirls out of the dressing room with a bright red shirt and bright blue shoes but he buys them anyway. They don’t match but Hyejin is a firm believer in wearing what she wants to wear, regardless of things that match.

Her mom looks at the new clothes and asks why Hyejin decided to be a rainbow for halloween. Hyejin tells her that mismatching is cool and promptly wears bright orange pants with a neon pink sweatshirt. She looks absolutely ridiculous and her mom reminds her of this every five minutes on their walk in the park.

After that, Hyejin makes it her mission to make the worst possible outfits, just to spite her mom.

+++++

Wheein tries to paint portraits.

They’re awful at first. All of her heads are too round and the hair is unrealistic. Wheein often groans in frustration and pounds the couch with her fists. Her dad sits in the living room, complimenting all of her awful paintings.

It takes Wheein about thirty paintings before she can finally recognize her father’s eyes on the canvas and she’s so overjoyed that she jumps on the couch.

(no one is home so the silence answers her loud whooping. it’s okay though, Wheein finally feels used to the silence)

+++++

Hyejin stops calling Wheein after school and Wheein stops waiting by the phone.

+++++

The thing about sixth grade is boys.

They’re a thing.

Hyejin likes them. A lot. She likes the smooth skin of their forearms and their firm hands, steady like ones she is already familiar with. Some of them are loud and kind of sweaty but Hyejin likes the ones who read. The ones with glass too big for their faces and lots of thoughts in their heads and a red blush on their cheeks when Hyejin gives them attention.

One such boy is Hyukwoo.

He has dark hair that reminds Hyejin of the night and eyes that flutter from place to place, too afraid to really look at anything.

Byulyi teases Hyejin endlessly when she catches her staring at him during lunch, nudging Hyejin so hard she worries that she’ll be pushed off the lunch bench.

“You should talk to him,” Byulyi tells her, stuffing a fry in her cheek, “You’ve never had trouble talking to people before.”

Which is fair except at this new school Hyejin finds herself distracted. She gets caught up in thinking and lost in her head and there’s no one there to really pull her out of it. She thinks a lot about pretty brown eyes and deep dimples and looks for someone in everyone she meets.

There’s a new energy to Hyejin. She’s still loud, but it’s different. Hyejin doesn’t want to talk to new people. Her throat gets tight and Hyejin tries to cough to clear it but there’s something like panic that builds in her chest. She doesn’t know these people. And it’s terrifying her.

But she’s always been good at pretending and it’s what she does now.

(she can’t let anyone know she’s afraid. she doesn’t even know what’s scaring her)

“Eh,” Hyejin says, shrugging her shoulders lazily. One of her hands reaches up to grasp at the pendant hanging from her neck. The familiar weight is almost as grounding as steady hands and jaw kisses. Hyejin smoothes her fingers over the front of it and does her best to appear unaffected.

Byulyi rolls her eyes, “You always make it look so easy, engaging people.”

“You’re a social butterfly too,” Hyejin protests, “People flock to you.”

“Yeah but I can’t initiate it,”

Hyejin snorts and stands before she really knows what she’s doing, a little caught up in reminding Byulyi just how easy it is to walk up to someone.

She glides over to Hyukwoo’s table. He’s eating quietly by himself. His hands shake and his legs are steady and Hyejin tries to ignore how her heart goes into double time when she says,

“Hi, I’m Ahn Hyejin,”

+++++

Wheein gets a new easel for Christmas.

She sets it up in the living room and works on her paintings after school. Wheein likes the way the light stretches across her living room and she’s obsessed with finding the right texture for her dad’s brown recliner.

The home phone buzzes loudly in the empty room and Wheein sets her brush down to retrieve it from the kitchen, pressing it to the crook of her shoulder so she can mix paint with both of her hands.

“Hyukwoo called me pretty today,” Hyejin says by way of greeting.

The peaceful air turns sour and Wheein has to set down her brush before she makes a brash stroke, fueled by annoyance.

“That’s nice Hyejin,” Wheein says as calmly as she can.

It’s been almost seven months since Wheein last heard from Hyejin and that’s all the greeting she can give her?

(and maybe Wheein hasn’t reached out either. life has been pretty hectic between painting and classes. but she’s never too busy for Hyejin’s phone calls so why had Hyejin stopped calling?)

(maybe it was too much. maybe breaking down in front of Hyejin had pushed her away. maybe Hyejin had realized that Wheein wasn’t as put together as Hyejin was. maybe-)

But no, Wheein can’t think about any of this. Hasn’t thought about any of it in at least three months.

“I think he’s going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Well you don’t sound like it.”

Wheein huffs into the phone, “I’m trying to work on a painting right now Hyejin.”

“Oh,” Hyejin shifts on the other end of the receiver and Wheein struggles to picture her.

What does the curve of her mouth look like? How far down her face does her nose reach? Which side of her face is her mole on?

Wheein thinks about all the pictures she has of elementary school Hyejin. This person on the other end of the receiver doesn’t sound like her best friend with chubby cheeks and calm words. She doesn’t remind Wheein of the outgoing supernova that is Ahn Hyejin.

“I guess I’ll let you go then,” Hyejin says when Wheein doesn’t say anything.

There’s a pregnant pause. The silence that should be filled by Wheein reassuring her best friend that she wants to talk to her.

But Wheein’s throat is closed and no words are escaping her now.

Hyejin hangs up and Wheein feels something inside her crack.

+++++

Seonghwan introduces Wheein to his friends and Wheein likes them way better than hers.

It kind of sucks that they’re all a grade above her and will be going to the highschool before her but she makes do. They’re all in art club during Wheein’s sixth year of school and she’s starting to think she’s getting the hang of things. These are the people Wheein wants to be friends with, casual and chill and full of fun knowledge.

Wheein goes to a dance camp with Seonghwan and meets even more people. She likes Yehwan and his sneakers and Leejung and her pretty hair.

They teach Wheein how hip hop dance and Wheein feels exhilarated by the beat of the music and the flashing lights. Her legs no longer shake with nervous energy and Wheein wonders if this is what letting go feels like.

+++++

Hyukwoo and Hyejin become an almost thing in seventh grade.

They’re not necessarily dating but he gives her flowers and compliments her hair and Hyejin can feel her heart skip a beat every time he looks at her.

She starts wearing make-up. Her oldest sister teaches her and gives Hyejin her very first lipstick for Christmas. Hyejin looks up tutorials on the family computer and starts waking up earlier than needed to make her eyes darker.

Byulyi whistles when she sees Hyejin and tells her she looks great.

Hyukwoo blushes when she sits a little too close to him, scooting her chair in a not subtle fashion when she sits. He stares at her hesitantly and before his eyes avert.

“You look beautiful today,” Hyukwoo tells her bashfully.

Another boy, one Hyejin doesn’t know very well, snorts, “Your make-up is way too thick. It’s a good thing Hyukwoo is just that desperate to get laid-“

He yelps and Byulyi glares at him. Hyejin watches the tips of Hyukwoo’s ear turn a shade darker and she’s slightly confused because they’re only in seventh grade.

Byulyi seems to win whatever staring contest they were having because the boy leaves the table with another loud huff and a pointed glare in Hyejin’s direction. Hyukwoo takes her hand in his and his palm is sweaty. Hyejin thinks that maybe it should feel gross but his hands are soft and large and her heart soars.

+++++

Hyejin stares at the mirror in the girls’ bathroom.

Her cheeks still have many layers of fat. She knows this. Byulyi stands beside her, washing her hands and brushing her bangs out of her face absentmindedly. Hyejin also has bangs, though they are sparse compared to Byulyi’s straight cut. Hyejin looks at the slope of Byulyi’s nose and the way most of her forehead is hidden by her hair. Byulyi has a slim neck and slim hips. Hyejin’s neck has more weight to it, as does the rest of her.

“Hyejin-ah,” Byulyi whines, “Stop gazing in the mirror, we have class soon.”

“Go ahead,” Hyejin waves her off carelessly, “I’ll be there soon,”

Byulyi glares at Hyejin but she strides out the door soon enough. Hyejin inhales deeply and slips the bottle out from her bookbag. She found it in the medicine cabinet, something to help her mom’s constipation.

She takes two pills and spends fifteen minutes on the toilet. When she emerges she lifts up her shirt, trying to see if it made a difference.

Hyejin doesn’t feel any lighter and she’s hungry again. She goes to class late and flashes the teacher an apologetic smile and cites her time of the month before slouching in the seat next to Byulyi.

Her stomach rumbles and it sounds loud to Hyejin’s ears. It must attract Byulyi’s attention because she fishes out a granola bar.

“I swear your appetite rivals that of an ape,” Byulyi jokes, “We just had lunch.”

Hyejin laughs weakly under her breath and ignores the sinking feeling in her chest when she pushes the granola bar away.

She doesn’t feel very hungry anymore.

+++++

Wheein joins band and learns how to drum.

It’s cathartic. Wheein feels energy vibrate around her and now she finally has somewhere to release it. The air no longer feels charged with everything she’s holding in and Wheein can breathe again.

Seonghwan waits for her outside of the practice room every Thursday. His soccer practices are an hour shorter on Tuesdays and Thursdays and she walks home with him.

They don’t share many classes but he still keeps in touch with her. They study together a lot; Wheein helps him with history and he provides quality entertainment when Wheein gets stuck.

He dropped out of art club this year but sometimes he drops in on Wheein and looks at her paintings. Seonghwan always has something funny to say, like when he laughs at a duck she painted and claims it should’ve been a hippopotamus to add character to the pond setting. Wheein laughs it off with him and then he’ll tell her something he likes about the painting, like the texture of the clouds or the paint strokes of the grass.

His laughter isn’t loud like Hyejin’s and Wheein wonders why Hyejin is still at the forefront of her mind.

It makes her irrationally angry and she drowns out Hyejin’s voice with the beat of her drums.

The band instructor tells her she doesn’t have to be angry to play the drums.

Wheein tries to play them when she’s happy but she’s off beat and confused, not sure why it takes so much effort.

Seonghwan shakes his head in mock disappointment and Wheein just rolls her eyes at him. He makes a silly face at her and mimes banging on the drums; it looks more like awkward cheering and Wheein laughs so hard she snorts and Seonghwan smiles.

Later that week, when she tries again, Wheein remembers his laughter and support, happiness gleaming in his eyes.

She hits every beat perfectly.

+++++

Hyejin stops eating breakfast and loses fifteen pounds in a month.

+++++

Boys leer at Hyejin and Hyejin blows them a kiss as she walks by.

Eighth grade is her year to shine. Her body is slimmer than ever and everyone is noticing. All the girls in her class ask her for make up tips and the boys rush to pick up her things when she drops them.

She starts wearing more dresses and skirts and jeans. Hyejin matches colors and patterns the way her sisters do and throws out some of the things that look outrageous. Like a neon pink sweatshirt she finds folded in the back of her closet.

Really what had she been thinking when she bought that?

People compliment her wardrobe now and Hyejin throws away all the bad photos of her weird phase. The one where she had no taste whatsoever. It’s almost like it never happened at all.

It’s nice, Hyejin thinks.

I’m happy, she insists.

Her throat is caught in her mouth and Hyejin learns that moving is important. Walking is an art, sitting is posing, and Hyejin masters it all dutifully. She wears high waisted jeans and hoists them over her remaining stomach fat. Hyejin learns that her upper half is much more desirable than her lower half so she switches to tank tops that accent the line of her shoulders and tries to stay inside more.

There’s something uncomfortable in her chest but Hyejin ignores it and remembers to eat a little less and turn a little more. Her hair is long now and she tosses it over her shoulder, hiding her bad angles and giving people something else to look at.

I can be loved like this, Hyejin believes.

+++++

Hyukwoo is her first kiss.

That’s not necessarily true. Hyejin has kissed Wheein plenty. There’s the soft kisses to her cheeks and the playful kisses to her dimple that make it deepen. Hyejin likes to press wet kisses to Wheein’s neck and listen to her squeal and watch her squirm. Fleeting kisses to Wheein’s nose and temple and shoulders.

But her first real kiss is with Hyukwoo behind the slide on the playground.

They’re too old to be out here but it’s after hours and no one is going to yell at them.

His lips are chapped and Hyejin leaves an imprint of her red lipstick on them. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and it’s jarring how much taller he is than her. There’s no hair at the base of his neck for Hyejin to tangle her hands in but she can still smooth down the fuzz on the top of his head. He nuzzles in closer when she does this, so she concludes it must be a nice feeling.

Hyukwoo smiles at her and Hyejin likes the way it lights up his face.

She’s in eighth grade and to her, it feels like love.

+++++

Wheein makes the dance team and Seonghwan cheers for her loudly from the bleachers. Yehwan and Leejung also make the team and Wheein feels settled.

Seonghwan is in high school right now but he gives Wheein all the tips for acing her tests and he still buys her food when they go out. Yehwan and Leejung keep her on her toes and challenge her at every dance practice they go to. She still likes to drum for band but her easel sits untouched in the living room. It has for four months now.

Sometimes Wheein passes it on her way to school. There’s an unfinished painting of Wheein’s front yard. The grass isn’t really the right color and the sky has yet to be painted.

Wheein thinks she’s lost touch with her colors and moves on.

+++++

Hyejin never, in absolutely any circumstances, takes off the pendant Wheein gave her in fourth grade.

So when she joins volleyball during her eighth grade year and the coach tells her to take it off, Hyejin panics.

Because she’s so forgetful and she can’t just leave it on the gym floor or on the bleachers or in her gym bag. What if it gets stolen or lost or-

Forgotten?

Hyejin ignores the way that word resonates in her, dragging through her bloodstream until there isn’t a place in her body that can escape the negative effects.

Byulyi tells her to hide it in her bra and Hyejin does. Her playing is sloppier than it’s ever been and her coach yells in frustration. Hyejin feels near tears by the end of the rant and she keeps touching her chest, trying to feel the outline of the necklace. Her skin is cold without the soothing weight of her pendant and there’s a deep emptiness that settles in her stomach.

Byulyi tries to comfort her with back rubs and reassurance but Hyejin isn’t soothed until she can put her necklace back on.

She rubs her thumb over the front of it and it isn’t loneliness it’s just-

It’s nothing.

+++++

Wheein stays in her room more often than not.

When her parents talk about this to their friends, they all say it’s just her being a moody teenager. Wheein’s room has new curtains and a new bedspread and there’s a stuffed animal Seonghwan gave her sitting on the edge of her bed that always makes Wheein smile. Photos of her friends are plastered on the walls and the room is so bright that Wheein doesn’t understand why people think it's “moody” when there isn’t a white skull or black bird in sight.

Her easel is folded in the corner and there’s a set of drums that take up the space now. Wheein’s parents had bought her the set for her birthday and Wheein imagines starting a band.

They could play out of her garage and make it big and leave this small town.

It’s a foolish dream though. All of her friends are tone deaf.

Except-

Memories of Hyejin’s voice flood her mind and Wheein tries to listen for the echo of her music.

It’s a cold November day when Wheein realizes she doesn’t remember the sound of Hyejin’s voice.

Summer feels just a little more distant.

+++++

A month before Hyejin is set to graduate from eighth grade, she gets the news.

Byulyi and Hyejin get out of class and make it to the parking lot before Hyejin realizes something is different. It’s her mom’s day off work and she always picks Hyejin up at exactly three o’clock.

Today there’s no white car and Byulyi’s mom ushers Hyejin inside theirs instead. The drive literally takes two minutes and Hyejin spends the entire day in Byulyi’s room, lounging on the bed.

Byulyi has homework to do and Hyejin is still strictly against homework so she doesn’t bother. Instead she flips open her phone and texts Hyukwoo.

His name is Loco in her phone and when she opens their thread of messages she sees the goodnight text he sent her with a little heart.

Hyejin busies herself distracting him from his video games he always plays and he answers immediately.

(there’s other messages in her phone. ones from the now freshman who tell her how pretty she is and asks about her bare chest. Hyejin doesn’t respond to them but she keeps them in her phone, just to remind herself that she’s wanted)

She ends up staying the night at Byulyi’s house. Hyejin sleeps next to her in her full sized bed but she wakes every hour or so. Byulyi kicks in her sleep… a lot, and Hyejin is unaccustomed to sharing a bed with someone who wriggles so much.

(she tries not to remember the way Wheein and her would share Wheein’s twin size bed. how small it was and how they always fit anyway)

The next day Hyejin’s mom picks her up with circles under her eyes and a frown that makes her bottom lip quiver.

Hyejin’s dad has a rare form of glioblastoma. Brain cancer.

She goes to the hospital and sits in the chair beside her father and feels the steady beep of the machine soothe her soul.

He’s alive right now. That’s all Hyejin can ask for.

+++++

Wheein’s family adopts a cat and they let Wheein pick the name.

She calls him Ggomo.

+++++

It’s two in the morning on a rainy February day. The air isn’t as cold as it should be but the rain beats in time with the yelling in the house.

Wheein’s mom had been staying out longer lately. She’s not sure when it started, but in the morning Wheein finds beer bottles in the trash can outside their house and sometimes her mom will be sleeping on the couch.

Her dad sounds heartbroken and betrayed. Her mom sounds bored and angry.

Wheein just wishes it would be quiet again.

+++++

They never get a divorce but Wheein notices her mom moving into the guest room.

She thinks about love and what it means and realizes she doesn’t really know.

+++++

Hyejin knows love is sacrifice.

She knows this when her mom stays by her dad’s side, even when he yells at her and doesn’t remember her and cries more than Hyejin has ever seen him cry.

There’s something sharp that never leaves Hyejin’s chest. It’s light and easy to carry and Hyejin can ignore it until she can’t.

Until she’s throwing up into the toilet and home and eating one meal a day and avoiding her dad’s pleading gaze.

Hyejin knows you have to sacrifice yourself for love. That your needs and wants and desires come second. That's what it means to love a spouse, a child, a friend.

So when they ask how Hyejin is doing, she gives them a tired smile they can’t see through and tells them all that she’s okay.

+++++

Seonghwan asks Wheein to the eighth grade banquet and Wheein gleefully accepts.

It should be fun right? Seonghwan is one of her closest friends and Wheein is relieved that he doesn’t think he’s above her since she’s still stuck in middle school.

It isn’t until later that Wheein realizes that maybe he’s asking for something else, for something more.

Wheein wears a pretty white dress with a thin black belt. It has long, blouse-like sleeves and a sharp collar and drops to Wheein’s knees.

Both of her parents call her beautiful then glare at each other and Wheein leaves the house before they can start a fight.

Seonghwan greets her with a kiss on the cheek and a handful of flowers and Wheein wonders why this scene seems so familiar. Except when his hands brush hers, they’re warm and lively. The air is toasty with the smell of spring and Wheein finds herself chilled anyway.

He gives her his jacket, tucking it over her shoulders and Wheein is surrounded by the scent of his cologne; it smells like it belongs on someone three times his age and makes Wheein gag but she still smiles at him when he rubs her arms before giving her space.

The school gymnasium is packed with round tables and white table cloths. There’s streamers and gold accents and Wheein cannot for the life of her figure out what the theme of the banquet is supposed to be.

They’re served their appetizers and Wheein mostly nods along to the conversation, not all that interested in the conversation about harmonicas in hip hop music.

Seonghwan has his arm slung over Wheein’s shoulder and the weight there is odd. Wheein doesn’t know why the fine hairs on her arms are crawling but she finds herself leaning away from him. He doesn’t seem to notice and Wheein wonders if she should be offended or relieved.

She doesn’t really know what to feel.

There’s no dancing because it’s Christian school so they have dinner and go to an after party at someone’s house. Wheein drinks beer and the room gets a little hazy at the edges but her brain still feels okay.

(this isn’t the first time Wheein has had alcohol. it won’t be the last)

She aims vaguely for the couch with another beer in hand and ends up in Seonghwan’s lap instead. His legs are kind of skinny and there’s not a lot to his body.

(Wheein thinks of Hyejin holding her with thick arms and pressing her chubby cheek against Wheein and the generous curves of her thighs that make such nice pillows)

(but Wheein shouldn’t think about that. She hasn’t seen Hyejin in forever)

(it’s also easier to romanticize someone you don’t really know)

Wheein hands him her bottle and cups his face in her hands. She pinches his cheeks and tilts his face from side to side. Seonghwan takes it all in quiet amusement and Wheein waits for him to start laughing but he never does.

His skin is smooth and Wheein knows he’ll probably never have facial hair.

“You have a nice face,” Wheein declares.

Seonghwan grins at her, all boyish charm and lazy contentment, “Really now?”

“Yes,” Wheein squishes his face together, giggling at the way it puckers his lips and adds to the fullness of his cheeks.

“Do I win an award? Best Face of 2009?”

Drunk Wheein only half understands what he’s asking so she shrugs, “Why?”

Seonghwan pouts and his bottom lip is kind of thin but he sticks it out nicely and Wheein pokes at it.

“Because it’s an accomplishment. Don’t you get rewarded when you accomplish something?”

“No,” Wheein says honestly. Her parents have never really noticed her accomplishments.

“Oh,” Seonghwan looks a little sheepish but he presses onward, “Well I think I deserve a kiss.”

Wheein looks around the room. There’s plenty of pretty girls that would probably kiss him. One of them is really skinny but she has big doe eyes and Wheein likes the texture of her hair. There’s another girl who Wheein recognizes as the late bloomer. She used to get teased for not having any boobs but just this year puberty hit her hard and now she practically spills out of the deep v-neck she wears.

Personally, Wheein thinks that girl is pretty. She has sad eyes and grinning lips and she dances really well to the music blaring in the house.

When Wheein turns back to tell Seonghwan that he could probably convince that girl to kiss him, he’s incredibly close. Wheein can smell the mint on his breath and wonders if he had a hidden box of tic tacs in the pocket of his pants.

Seonghwan has his eyes closed and Wheein thinks his eyes flashes are pretty, long and thick. He leans in and Wheein’s drunk brain finally catches on to the situation.

He presses his lips to hers and Wheein lets them glide against her own for a few minutes. She’s frozen on his lap, unsure but not uncomfortable.

Wheein considers the chapped skin of his lips and the taste of his breath. There’s nothing that really stands out about kissing him and Wheein opens her eyes to look at his expression.

His eyebrows are lifted and his eyes shut tight. He almost looks like he's tasting something sour and the image makes Wheein smile. It must give him the wrong idea though because Seonghwan pulls back and settles his hands on her hips, smiling at her.

It's bright and full of affection and Wheein notices how light his brown eyes are.

(it’s not Hyejin’s all consuming stare, that pierces through Wheein’s soul and leaves not a trace of her unloved or unappreciated)

But his teeth are this perfect shade of white that matches the pink of his lips beautifully. It’s not fire and devotion but it’s what Wheein gets.

And it’s enough.

+++++

The summer before her freshman year of high school should be full of adventures, Hyejin thinks.

It should be loud and wild and free.

Hyejin spends all of her time with Hyukwoo and Byulyi. They don’t hang out much as a group. Hyukwoo is much too shy to be around Byulyi and Hyejin at the same time.

Which is fine. Hyejin sits with him in his basement and listens to him make music. He likes rapping, which Hyejin thinks is so cute. He blushes when he tells her this and he says he’s going to make his stage name Loco.

“Because of the nickname you gave me,” he tells her, the tips of his ears read and his eyes maintain contact with the wall behind her head, “So I can be reminded of you every time I perform.

Hyejin presses kisses to his cheeks and laughs when he jerks away with red cheeks, stained from her lipstick and his embarrassment.

Hyukwoo calls her his muse and Hyejin falls a little deeper every day.

+++++

Soo-jung moves away right before freshman year starts but Hyejin goes to orientation with Jessi.

With high school comes football and cheerleadering and so many other things that Hyejin can join. Jessi begs Hyejin to join the cheerleaders with her and Hyejin scoffs and signs up for volleyball instead.

One football player eyes Jessi’s chest and when she turns around to greet someone else she knows, he makes a face at her ass and hits his friend on the shoulder, pointing at Jessi. Hyejin watches this all with a sense of despair and she doesn’t know if it’s for Jessi or herself.

Hyejin feels like she’s forgetting something. Her head hurts less and less these days and it’s like she’s never hungry anymore. At last count, Hyejin has lost almost thirty pounds.

There’s a voice inside her head whispering that her thighs are too big and there’s no space between them. That her cheeks are still chubby and she looks almost ten years older than she really is.

Jessi is beautiful, with her full chest and her big eyes. She has naturally big lips that settle in this attractive half smile, like she’s always up to no good.

Hyejin sucks in her stomach a little more and her eyes flit away from Jessi entirely.

+++++

Wheein’s freshman year is probably the best year of her life.

She has all of her friends at the same high school. Her boyfriend eats lunch with her in the band room. Wheein’s music director says that if Wheein works hard, she could probably get a scholarship in music for college. Her afternoons are full of dance practice, not the team this time but another club that focuses on Wheein’s preferred style of dance instead of the pep band stuff the dance team is in charge of.

Yeah… life is good.

+++++

“You’re so skinny,”

Hyejin sits on the other side of the couch, scrolling through the computer mindlessly. Hyukwoo sits a few feet from her, strumming his guitar.

“Hm?” Hyejin asks, not taking her eyes off the screen. She’s moved the table to her so that she doesn’t have to sit in the computer chair that squeaks every time she moves.

“You’ve lost weight,” Hyukwoo insists, his eyes appraising her.

Hyejin shifts under the attention. His tone doesn’t sound complimentary but she knows she’s beautiful like this.

(i can be loved like this)

“That’s a good thing right?” And Hyejin hates how her voice shakes just a little.

Hyukwoo shrugs, the careless lift of his shoulders implying that he’s never had anyone criticize how he looks.

“I used to be fat,” Hyejin tells him, her laughter higher than usual.

“Oh,” Hyukwoo considers this, “Could I see a picture of you like that?”

“A picture of me… when I was fat?”

Hyejin can feel something crawling into her throat. It’s thick and painful and it makes Hyejin choke on all the things she wants to say.

(but I’m pretty like this. but you won’t love me when you see what I was)

There’s a pressure behind her eyes and her chest constricts without easing. Hyejin bites down on her lip so hard she worries about drawing blood.

Hyukwoo stays silent and Hyejin leaves his house.

+++++

He tries to apologize to her over text and Hyejin stops responding.

Her first relationship is over just like that. Fading into the past in the blink of an eye.

He gives up after two days and avoids her in the hallways.

(Hyejin tries to forget how easy it was for him, to just give up)

+++++

Hyejin gets home from school one day to blood staining the bathroom.

There’s droplets of it everywhere. Scattering the sink and smearing the mirror and staining the hand towel. It smells like copper and Hyejin wants to gag at the sight.

Instead something empties from inside of her. It hollows out her chest and vacates her blood and leaves Hyejin cold.

She finds her dad in the kitchen, shaking and near tears. There’s tissues plugged in his ears and nose and blood on the counter top.

So much blood.

Hyejin wishes she could cry but her eyes are dry. She helps her dad lay down on the couch and cleans up the blood.

The house is small. Too small for Hyejin to hide. So she plasters on a smile and waits for her mom to get home. Hyejin tells her mom quietly what happens and ignores how her dad cries when her mom asks him what happened today.

Hyejin’s freshman year might actually be the worst.

+++++

Her dad dies on a Wednesday afternoon.

At seven in the evening, surrounded by his family, and without Hyejin’s tears.

She can’t cry, she can’t think. Someone asks her if she needs someone and Hyejin shakes her head. They call Byulyi anyway and it takes five minutes for Byulyi to sit down beside Hyejin on her mattress.

Her mother had decided earlier that they were going to move again. The split level stairs of the house were bad for her dad’s movement.

(there were too many days Hyejin spent at school wondering if she was going to be able to open the front door when she got home. when she wondered if her dad had fallen down the stairs and blocked the door with his body)

Byulyi asks her how she’s doing and Hyejin responds immediately with, “I’m okay,”

And Byulyi laughs wetly, pulling Hyejin’s hand into her own, “No you aren’t Hyejinnie,”

“No I’m not,” Hyejin repeats.

“And that’s okay,” Byulyi assures her, searching Hyejin’s eyes for something Hyejin cannot give her.

Byulyi says nothing and Hyejin says nothing and they wait until they hear the medics come to take her dad out of the house in a body bag.

+++++

Hyejin attends the visitation with a plastered on smile.

She isn’t even sure why she’s smiling. Her chest is aching and she can’t stop fiddling with the pendant that hangs from her neck. It’s always so warm from her skin and Hyejin takes comfort in the consistency.

No one looks at her oddly when she greets them enthusiastically and Hyejin wonders what that says about her behavior lately.

+++++

Wheein is here.

Hyejin’s best friend since kindergarten is really here. In the flesh.

She’s almost positive she’s drooling but Hyejin hasn’t physically seen Wheein in five years.

Wheein is still short. Hyejin kind of wants to laugh because Wheein is just barely shorter than her, even with the formal short heels she wears. Wheein’s hair is longer now and she’s outgrown her bangs. Instead she has two pretty tendrils of hair that frame her face. They’re soft against her skin but Wheein herself also looks just so soft.

The black dress Wheein wears makes her pale skin stand out even more. Her hair brushes the low but modest neckline and Hyejin flushes when she realizes that Wheein has finally hit puberty.

Her chest pulls against the fabric and Wheein’s legs shake beneath her dress. Her knees knock into each other but it’s subtle. Only Hyejin’s years of knowing Wheein would cause her to watch for the anxious tremors.

They don’t say anything. Wheein’s eyes are transfixed on the necklace she still wears and Hyejin just waits. She could stare at Wheein for centuries and still find something new about Wheein that she adores. Today Hyejin relearns the arc of Wheein’s cheekbones and the dark hair of her brows and wonders how she was blessed with such clear skin.

Wheein pulls her into a hug and it’s like no time has passed. She still smells sweet and now that Hyejin is older she thinks she can place this scent with confidence. It’s an overwhelming amount of citrus but When Hyejin presses her nose more firmly against Wheein’s skin, she can detect hints of pine.

A sudden image of Wheein as an orange tree makes Hyejin laugh.

She shakes against Wheein, who grips her even more tightly. And Wheein— who has always known Hyejin better than Hyejin knows herself— knows that she isn’t crying. Wheein knows that Hyejin will sniffle before she cries and the tears will fall before the rest of her crumbles.

But when she laughs it starts in her toes and works its way up, making her whole body shake until laughter is spilling from her mouth.

Wheein knows this and she just holds Hyejin through her laughter and then she holds Hyejin when the laughter runs out and the tears begin to fall.

+++++

It’s been five years since Wheein has seen Hyejin.

Five years of radio silence, of growing into her own person, of learning to love other people.

Wheein wonders what Hyejin did during her five years.

Because she looks like an angel of death. Her make-up around her eyes makes them stand out even more. But Hyejin doesn’t try to make her eyes rounded or big or innocent.

Instead they’re flirty and secretive. Her eyes give almost nothing away (at least to the untrained eye. which doesn’t apply to Wheein. she still knows) and her lips have tempered into an indifferent pout.

The biggest change is her body though.

Hyejin’s chest is supple and Wheein’s gaze is instantly drawn to it. However Hyejin’s hips are wide and the fabric of her dress clings to her like a second skin. It’d be indecent if anyone was looking at her that way.

(Wheein had seen plenty of people looking at her that way)

But there’s a new hollowness to Hyejin. Her cheeks are sunken even if it can’t hide how full they are. Her jawline has sharpened and with the way her dress falls, Wheein can see a slight hourglass figure being presented.

She looks good.

It creates a low build in Wheein’s stomach and her chest hammers against her ribs. The funeral is over now and Hyejin is talking to people who are wishing her condolences.

It’s only after twenty minutes of blatant staring that Wheein finally spots the problem with this picture.

Hyejin hasn’t touched any of the food on the buffet.

And once she realizes this, Wheein knows what she’s looking for. She watches the careful way Hyejin walks and how her hands always go to cover her lower stomach and the way she twists her long hair over the same side of her face. Hyejin stands with her weight on one leg and her body curved just so that she looks so skinny…

Hyejin leaves without touching the plate her sister made her and Wheein is concerned and lost and confused all at once.


	2. 10-12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this story is not complete. I really haven't had the motivation to finish this but I know how the story is going to end I promise. I have rewritten and reorganized and added to this chapter so that is why I am reposting it. 
> 
> I will finish it though I promise.
> 
> **Updated, reorganized, and added to on 31/01/2021

Hyejin moves into her last house on a rainy friday morning.

Both of her sisters have already gone back to college. With their father’s death being in April and finals right around the corner, they cannot afford to stay away for long.

It’s only been a week without him but it feels like a lifetime.

(why was the day he died all sunshine but the day they moved in a complete downpour?)

Hyejin carries her things into her room. She has one all to herself now. Her sisters’ things are left in the basement. It’s largely unfinished but they don’t come home much anyway.

Neither Hyejin or her mom have eaten much today. They started off with no kitchen and then they went to the closing and Hyejin’s mom had about half a bottle of wine.

She seems a little tipsy and Hyejin largely ignores the way her mom takes extra long to unload the boxes. There’s dark bags under her mom’s eyes and Hyejin’s stomach clenches when she ignores the tired gaze.

It’s her last months as a freshman and Hyejin has never felt so alone.

+++++

It’s been five years since Hyejin has stepped into these halls.

Her elementary school was a Christian k-12 and the elementary students and high school students shared the same building. With purple paint and Bible verses and carpeted floors instead of the tile of Hyejin’s public school.

She sends a text to Wheein, a simple picture without any context. It’s the sign on the principal’s door, with the name of the school engraved above it.

Wheein— understandably— spams Hyejin with questions that Hyejin ignores.

Her mom agreed that Hyejin needed stability after what she went through. There are so many kids here that Hyejin knows and starting at a new school would just be too much after last spring.

The principal is a tall lady with bleach blonde hair that looks like a balloon had been rubbed against it. She speaks with a quiet voice and Hyejin thinks she’s used to being respected.

The interview for the school is mostly for show. It’s too small of a school to reject any prospective students.

Hyejin smiles when appropriate and tucks her hair behind her ear.

+++++

On her first day back at school, Hyejin strolls through the halls in a bit of a daze.

She doesn’t feel lost, or sad, or really anything at all.

There’s a lot of people in the halls during passing periods and Hyejin gets a little overwhelmed by the unfamiliar faces and the ones that knew her when she was younger. There’s people whose gaze just flits right over her and others who linger on her face, as if trying to place where they know her.

It’s easy to be forgotten, Hyejin remembers.

(like the youngest child who was labeled a troublemaker)

(like the girl who lost her dad to brain cancer and was suddenly the other parent in the house)

Like her best friend standing ten feet away from her in the hall as if she has seen a ghost.

Hyejin doesn’t know what to do with herself when Wheein isn’t by her side in this school. She’s done it before, made friends before. But Hyejin is disconnected from these people, who have grown with each other and without her.

Disconnected from Wheein, who looks every bit like Hyejin’s favorite fairytale. With her delicate nose and dreamy eyes and agile fingers. With her toned legs that peak out of her skirt and the subtle muscles of her forearms.

(Does painting really give you those?)

Hyejin isn’t lost or sad or hurt. 

She’s just alone.

(she doesn’t know when the feeling started but it surprises her all the same, the freedom that accompanies a lack of ties)

+++++

Hyejin is really… quiet.

They don’t spend as much alone time together. Not for the first two months.

Wheein only has a couple of classes with Hyejin, (which is more than she’s had since kindergarten) and Hyejin inserts herself at Wheein’s table on the very first day like she belongs there. But as the days drag on, Wheein notices a different air about Hyejin. 

She doesn’t laugh as loudly as she used to, as freely as she used to. There’s this flinch she does when people get too loud and a bit of fear in her eyes when the room is too full.

Wheein notes all of this with vague astonishment. Hyejin hides it well and if Wheein weren’t still so in tune with Hyejin, she never would’ve noticed.

(a part of her wonders if maybe it has been too long, if maybe Hyejin has always been like this and Wheein just forgot)

Seonghwan, Yehwan, Leejung, Chungha, Hyejin, and Wheein all sit at the same table during lunch. Hyejin slots into the seat right next to Wheein on the edge of the table. She sits with one leg folded under her and the other angled out like she’s getting ready to escape.

Chungha sits across from Hyejin and always looks at her lunch (or lack thereof) with concern.

Their table is full of chatter, mostly thanks to Yehwan and Leejung. They keep everyone entertained with awful dance moves and embarrassing stories and complaints about homework. Chungha always offers to help them study and Seonghwan always responds that even her brain can’t save their grades.

(Wheein knows that they both at least have C’s in all their classes otherwise they wouldn’t still be in the dance club)

Hyejin laughs when appropriate, covering her mouth with her hand and Wheein swears she makes her eyes sparkle on purpose.

Her voice has gotten lower, scratchy like she’s been smoking and Wheein only panics slightly when she realizes she doesn’t know if Hyejin really has started smoking during her middle school years.

Hyejin’s hand brushes against Wheein’s arm and she pulls back immediately.

There’s a ghost of Hyejin’s touch and Wheein wonders if it’ll always be like this.

+++++

Hyejin makes it on the volleyball team and the first thing she wants to do is tell Wheein.

Wheein’s dance club auditions end almost immediately after the volleyball open gym so Hyejin waits on the bench outside of the dance room. Her dance club is small, most students opted for the school's official dance team but Hyejin knows that Wheein doesn’t like being limited in her style. Be that painting or dancing.

The students exit in a small cluster. Wheein lags at the back, stuffing her water bottle into her backpack after taking a long sip. Hyejin watches the way Wheein exposes her throat, the delicate lines of her neck and how it bobs with the messy mouthful she takes.

Wheein beams when she sees Hyejin, her dimple flashing and bounces on the balls of her feet. Hyejin stands and greets Wheein with a nod.

There’s a moment, a small moment where Wheein’s hand reaches briefly for Hyejin. It’s part of their routine where Hyejin will press a kiss to Wheein’s jaw and grasp at the skin of her arm in acknowledgment, talking with touches instead of words.

(Hyejin thinks now that she lacks the ability to communicate completely. her hands feel awkward and her tongue feels heavy in her mouth. there are no touches and no words to convey what she feels)

(the emptiness is more appropriate anyway)

Hyejin watches Wheein’s hand fall to her side in a fist and for a second her heart contracts-

“I made the volleyball team,” Hyejin tells her.

Wheein smiles and this time she doesn’t stop herself. She grabs the lapels of Hyejin’s jacket and pulls her in for a quick hug. Wheein is warm from the dance practice and Hyejin can see the beads of sweat running down the side of her face.

Unbidden, Hyejin’s tongue peeks out to lick at her bottom lip. Her dazed stare falls on the distracting path of the sweatdrop making its way down Wheein’s face.

“Hyejin?”

She startles, unaware that Wheein had been speaking this whole time.

“Yes?”

“I asked if you wanted to come study with us?”

Wheein’s friends are standing a little ways away. The two that she sits with at lunch. Hyejin can vaguely recall their names but they have kind eyes, open and welcoming.

(it’s been a while since Hyejin has seen that in acquaintances)

“I’m going to head home actually,” Hyejin replies, tilting her head a little and giving Wheein a small apologetic smile.

This causes Wheein to immediately frown and creates a spark of panic in Hyejin’s chest. She hates the way Wheein frowns, with an exaggerated pull of her lips and a deep furrow in her brow. Hyejin would do almost anything to wipe that off her face.

Almost.

(there are things like pretending to care about classes and studying at a table with two virtual strangers and someone long forgotten. there are things like missed phone calls and twin beds and the way Wheein lifts her leg when she gets embarrassingly happy)

(there are things Hyejin cannot live with or without and right now pretending is on both of those lists)

Hyejin drives to her home, where her mother is at work and her sisters are at college. Her golden pendant rests against the hollow of her throat, comforting and familiar but her house is empty and even the warmth of the necklace cannot chase away the loneliness.

+++++

Even if she knows she should, Hyejin never sees a therapist.

Logically, she knows that there are things wrong with her right now that she can’t fix alone, but that she also can’t burden anyone else with. Therapists cost money, reputation, and pride. Hyejin feels sick with worry that she can’t afford to spend any of those right now. Except…

Except-

Her stomach is still empty and her chest aches but there’s a ringing in her ears that sounds so much like apathy-

It’s terrifying.

Hyejin doesn’t want to look at the world like this. She doesn’t want to see her whole life ahead of her without color and laughter and happiness.

It’s baby steps, she reminds herself.

So Hyejin takes one of the spiral notebooks she never used for school and begins to write.

+++++

I'm lonely, what do I do?

So I even swallowed up the hate

+++++

With October comes chilly breezes and school sweaters and a languid Hyejin. 

Even after two and a half months, Wheein finds it a little bit ridiculous how she still cannot get over how different Hyejin looks. If anyone asks, she’ll tell them that she’s merely concerned about her best friend. Because Hyejin will always be her best friend, even if Wheein is still having a hard time finding that soft kid with wondering eyes and chubby cheeks. 

Hyejin is standing at her locker, loitering. Her mouth is pulled into a thoughtful frown and Wheein is helpless against the way her gaze lingers. Hyejin’s skin has always been tan but she must have spent her summer in the sun because it’s darker than Wheein remembers, even if it’s been months since the sun has come out.

(or maybe Wheein just doesn’t remember what Hyejin looked like before)

The pleated skirt Hyejin continues to wear (despite the chill) is definitely a size too small and Wheein is almost ninety percent sure that Hyejin did that on purpose. The uniform shouldn’t rise higher than three inches above the knee but there’s so much thigh on display that Wheein knows the skirt is pulled higher than it should be.

(since when have Hyejin’s legs been so long? she’s literally only a centimeter taller than Wheein)

Her school tie is a little loose and Hyejin’s hair is kind of frizzy now. Wheein remembers running her fingers through Hyejin’s hair when they were younger. Sure it was always a little coarse but the way Hyejin styles it now gives it more waves than Wheein has ever seen before. She parts it down the middle and it’s almost unfair how pretty Hyejin is because who pulls off a middle part?

Hyejin’s dark eyes lift to catch Wheein’s intense gaze. She doesn’t look surprised and Wheein knows that Hyejin has always been pretty comfortable in the spotlight. She commands attention like the sun commands the planets. Everyone orbits her, desperate for a taste of the light.

This new Hyejin flutters her eyes and looks away. It almost looks shy, if not for the subtle shift of her body. One of her legs takes a half step forward, lifting the skirt and little and accentuating the lines of her calves, hidden by the thick socks she wears but tantalizing all the same. The sleeves of Hyejin’s sweater and the white button up hidden underneath are rolled up to the elbow. Wheein traces the white cuffs that poke out underneath the black material and how it makes her skin that much softer under the crappy school lighting.

Most of the other students have maneuvered into their classrooms by now but Hyejin is just shutting her locker. She looks anxious, and Wheein doesn’t know what to do with a Hyejin who hesitates with every movement.

She meets Hyejin at her locker and leans against the now shut door.

“Hey,” Wheein says by way of greeting.

The corner of Hyejin’s mouth lifts in a half smile and Wheein notes how none of her lipstick is smudged even though it’s past midday.

“What class are you going to next?” Wheein asks.

“I have study hall on the first floor,”

“I’m heading that way too,”

Wheein falls into step beside Hyejin. They walk in relative silence. Hyejin’s gaze trained on the floor. Her head is angled down, but not the low hanging sadness that Wheein has seen her do when she’s upset. This posture displays the cut of her jaw perfectly and Wheein finds herself drawn to the sharp edges and smooth skin.

They make it to the door and linger. Hyejin’s fingers grasp the straps of her book bag so tightly that they turn white and Wheein kicks her legs a little. There’s a small bounce in Hyejin’s otherwise still stance that means her toes are definitely wiggling uncomfortably in her shoes.

“Well, I’ll see you around,” Wheein says awkwardly, raising her hand in a little half wave.

Hyejin just smiles with half her mouth again and Wheein is unable to stop the frown that crosses her face. This must give Hyejin the wrong impression because her face falls flat again, dark eyes closing off to Wheein’s questioning gaze.

And because Hyejin just looks so lost, Wheein grabs the strap of her book bag and pulls her close. Their stomachs kiss and Wheein is still getting used to being so close to a grown Hyejin, with curves and skin and full lips. She smells like a sea salt breeze and some perfume Wheein doesn’t recognize. Hyejin’s eyes widen— anxious and concerned— but she doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move away.

Wheein presses a kiss to her jaw and lingers, forgetting herself for a moment in the way Hyejin feels, familiar and warm and so soft.

When she pulls back Hyejin is smiling. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes but it isn’t that vacant half smile Wheein keeps seeing and she beams at Hyejin, whose smile seems to widen ever so slightly.

Wheein walks in five minutes late to her AP calculus class on the second floor.

+++++

Wheein’s parents announce they’re getting an official divorce.

They sit her down separately and explain their reasons in rushed words and wild gestures. Wheein’s mom has dry eyes and her dad looks absolutely devastated.

There’s a few sentences regarding where Wheein will live but she stops listening after her mom calls her dad a coward and her dad starts crying.

It’s two separate talks but Wheein feels like it’s really the same talk twice.

They love Wheein.

It’s not her, it’s them.

This won’t change that much.

Just two houses.

(it changes everything)

+++++

Hyejin gets invited to Wheein’s house for a sleepover. Just the two of them. Like old times. 

Lately, Wheein's mood has seemed more subdued. Hyejin almost wants to ask Wheein, wants to take the smaller girl in her arms and protect her from what hurts. But they don’t do that anymore.

So when Wheein’s dimple pops out when she asks Hyejin to spend the night, Hyejin is saying yes before she can consider the dangers.

(dangers like her stomach still being empty and Hyejin’s lack of desire to start filling it)

(dangers like the way her stomach twists when she’s close to Wheein and how it’s getting harder and harder to ignore why)

When Hyejin gets to Wheein’s house, she feels like a stranger. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The house is the same as it has always been except for the rumpled sheets in the guest room and the divorce papers on the coffee table and the way the silence closes in around the two girls. 

But Wheein ignores the silence as she has always done, ignores the lack of family around and sits at the rounded kitchen table. She slurps down ramyeon messily without bothering to make any small talk that Hyejin knows she won’t have responses for. A bit of juice catches on the pink of Wheein’s lips and Hyejin spends more time watching her cheeks become rounder and rounder with food then eating herself.

She’s waiting for the comment about her body and the questions about her not touching the food, but they never come. Wheein just nudges her and looks at her still full bowl. Hyejin twirls the noodles on her chopsticks and takes a small bite.

The flavors hit her stomach full force and Hyejin doesn’t know if she wants to throw up or eat the whole bowl.

Wheein wipes her mouth with the back of her hands and leans back in her chair. Her cropped shirt rides up, exposing the faint lines of her abdominal muscles and Hyejin heaves another round of noodles into her mouth to cover up the choked noise she makes.

It’s the most Hyejin’s eaten in a long time and the food makes her lazy. Her bowl is more than halfway finished and even if Hyejin has eaten three times that in the past, Wheein looks pleased and cleans up after them, leaving Hyejin to stare blankly at the familiar white of the walls.

It’s the same room Hyejin’s been in countless times before. There’s a lot of plants by the windows and the smell of wet wood and the sun stretches across Wheein’s dad’s favorite chair.

It’s still a little bit like home, even if there are new cracks in the ceiling and no artwork on the fridge.

Hyejin blinks and suddenly she’s in Wheein’s room, laying on Wheein’s bed without any memory of walking there. There are a lot of changes that Hyejin’s brain can only vaguely recognize. Things like that drum set in the corner and the lack of easel and the pictures of friends that Hyejin doesn’t recognize.

A pretty bracelet sits on Wheein’s bedside table and it has her initials engraved into it, something Hyejin has never seen Wheein wear.

“What’s that?” Hyejin’s voice is raspy with sleep and her words sound almost slurred with how little she opens her mouth to enunciate.

Wheein looks at what has caught Hyejin’s attention and her face makes this weird expression that Hyejin can’t place. It’s kind of blank but her mouth is quirked and her eyes are light.

“A bracelet,” Wheein states obviously.

Hyejin would slap her if it were worth the effort.

“Seonghwan gave it to me,”

The name doesn’t prompt any images in Hyejin’s mind.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Wheein clarifies.

Hyejin’s tummy does a weird flip at Wheein mentioning her boyfriend and she wonders if she really will throw up the noodles she just ate.

The feeling doesn’t abate but Hyejin ignores it.

(she’s used to ignoring her stomach)

Wheein flops down beside Hyejin, the twin bed almost too small for both of them.

But then she's lifting Hyejin’s head to rest on her chest and it’s kind of weird. Wheein’s chest has more curve now and Hyejin can feel more pressure against her cheek. But it gives to her weight easily and feels so nice-

Wheein tangles her legs with Hyejin’s and flips off the light, wrapping an arm around Hyejin.

She listens to Wheein’s steady breathing and somehow they still fit.

+++++

I'm saying this for you

It's a shining night

Don't torture yourself

+++++

Class today is extra boring.

Wheein can hear the buzzing of her teacher’s voice in her ears, faint and steady and dreadfully uninteresting.

Hyejin sits next to her, legs crossed and head resting in her hand. Her eyes are far away, definitely not focused on the lesson.

There’s this horribly sexy pout that Hyejin has grown into. Her full lips are naturally a bit frowny and unamused. It looks scary; Hyejin looks scary. And maybe Wheein would be afraid of this girl with tousled black hair and glinting eyes and long nails but all these things do is create this low heat in her stomach.

Wheein pokes Hyejin’s arm, making a disgruntled face when Hyejin doesn’t move.

She tries again, kicking her shin softly. Hyejin shifts in her seat, uncrossing her legs just to cross them again, placing her other leg on top. She switches hands as well but her eyes never leave the spot to the right of the board.

Wheein huffs subtly, not really mad, just bored.

This time Wheein shoves both her arms under the desk, banging a hand on the metal bar underneath her desk. The noise sounds loud to Wheein’s ears but no one bats an eyelash.

With her hands out of sight, Wheein reaches underneath the cover of both her desk and Hyejin’s desk to poke at her belly. She’s a little surprised to find just how far she needs to stretch, just how little fat Hyejin has nowadays.

Finally, Hyejin is jostled out of her daydream and she turns her gaze on Wheein. The dancer can see how Hyejin’s eyes become focused and clear, as if the fog of her mood is lifting.

Hyejin doesn’t make any face, or do anything really beside stare blatantly at Wheein.

It’s kind of cool— cold and distant in that way that villains and spies pull off so well. Wheein admires Hyejin’s cheekbones and her fingers twitch reflexively. Hyejin looks like one of those art statues, someone who inspired renaissance paintings and sculptures. Wheein pictures Hyejin in a toga with golden leaves in her hair and ruby red lips and for the first time in a long time, Wheein aches for her paints.

Something minute shifts in Hyejin’s gaze and it drops just a little. Her little pink tongue darts out to hook around her teeth and Hyejin freezes in this position once again.

Wheein flushes and she swears that it’s because Hyejin is going to get yelled at for so obviously not paying attention in class.

(but Hyejin is clearly paying attention to something, and try as Wheein might, she can’t deny that having Hyejin’s attention always makes her pleased)

Still, there’s something missing.

Wheein wiggles in her seat, trying to make Hyejin focus on all of her rather than whatever it is Hyejin’s looking at.

(a voice whispers that it’s Wheein’s lips but she ignores that and the way it makes her heart beat double time)

When Hyejin finally closes her mouth and leans back slightly, indicating Wheein has her full attention (like she ever lost Hyejin’s attention), Wheein makes a face.

She puffs out her cheeks and pops her dimple and widens her eyes just so. Aiming for something like… maybe a cheeseball? a chicken nugget?

Hyejin’s reaction is instantaneous.

Her laughter is loud in the quiet classroom and the teacher stops her lesson to reprimand Hyejin but her friend can barely stop her laughter well enough to respectfully apologize. When the teacher turns back around, Hyejin’s smile is so wide that Wheein can see her teeth, white and pure.

Maybe Hyejin no longer has stained and messy clothes. Maybe this new, mature Hyejin only has half smiles and secrets in her eyes and clothing that fits every curve perfectly.

But even a uniform that’s a little too short, a little too perfect, cannot hide the golden chain of the necklace Wheein gave her long ago. Cannot hide who Hyejin will always be at her core. 

Hyejin smiles, carefree and young like all those years ago, and Wheein’s bright mood follows her for the rest of the day.

+++++

It becomes a thing.

Wheein bothers Hyejin during the classes she can slack in. Hyejin is rarely paying attention anyway and most of the time the teachers don’t care enough either.

Slowly, Wheein pulls more smiles, more laughter from her best friend, hidden behind that sultry pout and distant gaze and thin figure.

+++++

One Saturday morning Hyejin stumbles into the kitchen, bleary eyed and searching for coffee, to find her mom standing at the stove crying.

There’s not a lot of words (Hyejin’s mom has always been better at talking than listening) But Hyejin hugs her and she hugs back so tightly that Hyejin can almost forget the sound of her voice when she’s yelling.

Things change that year.

They’re probably been changing since her dad passed away.

+++++

“I don’t think I’ve seen you in years,”

Seonghwan sighs dramatically but places a sweet kiss to Wheein’s cheek before he takes a seat across from Wheein at the cafe.

“Ah, you’re such a drama queen,” Wheein says, rolling her eyes and picking up a menu, “I see you everyday at lunch.”

“Yeah but you’re so far,” Seonghwan whines, his face twisting into this exaggerated frown.

“I sit right across from you,”

“And you won’t even play footsie with me.”

Wheein bursts out into laughter, definitely too loud for the chill atmosphere of the cafe but Seonghwan looks enchanted by it. His eyes turn on with a light Wheein basks in, feeling appreciated and not in the least bit embarrassed.

“What are we eating today?” Seonghwan asks, setting down his menu in order to fold his arms on the table and stare at Wheein.

“Not sure,” Wheein says distractedly, “Order your own food, I’m hungry.”

“But you always get the best food,”

“Then order the same thing as mine. I’m not sharing today.”

“No,” Seonghwan agrees, “You never share. You’ll eat all your food and eat half of mine and I’ll whine because I lose this game every time.”

“That’s not true,” Wheein says, still caught up on the first sentence, “I share my food.”

Seonghwan chuckles, “In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never shared food.”

So maybe Seonghwan isn’t paying that much attention to her at lunch because Wheein always shares food with Hyejin.

But now that Wheein thinks about it, Hyejin is probably the only one who can pick off Wheein’s plate without getting punched.

The waitress comes to take their order before Wheein can remember why that matters.

+++++

Hyejin’s mom tells her that she needs to get her grades up if she ever wants to do anything with her life.

Her words are matter of fact but there’s a bite in every letter that has Hyejin looking at the stained countertop instead of her mom’s eyes.

(she knows what she’ll see in them)

(things don’t change that much, that drastically, that quickly)

+++++

Wheein’s parents haven’t argued in almost five months.

It’s definitely been longer than that if Wheein really thinks about it. Her parents rarely fought. They tended to give the silent treatment whenever they felt wronged. Wheein remembers growing up in a silent house and the feeling she’d get when her parents were in disagreement. It was as if the silence had even more layers, thickening the air with words unsaid and emotions they couldn’t conceal.

It’s already one in the morning and Wheein has school tomorrow but her mother’s voice is loud in the house. It shakes the pictures on Wheein’s wall and Wheein swears that the Earth trembles with her father’s harsh laughter.

They’ve been at it for maybe an hour but the volume has only significantly increased recently. Wheein lifts her leg in bed and rolls onto her stomach, trying to block out the words she doesn’t want to hear.

After fifteen more minutes the noise level dies down again. Wheein shifts uncomfortably, flopping onto her back with a sigh that echoes in the now stillness of her house.

It takes another hour before Wheein is grabbing her car keys and tiptoeing out of the house.

(her mom is asleep on the couch, face smoothed out in a peaceful manner that Wheein hasn’t seen in years)

Thirty minutes later Wheein is climbing through Hyejin’s window. Her new house is only one level with a basement which makes Wheein’s life fairly simple.

The last time Wheein was here, there were boxes and a mattress on the floor and light grey paint on the walls.

In the dark, Wheein can’t tell if the paint has changed but she can make out Hyejin’s dresser and bedside table and a sleeping Hyejin.

Because of course her window is unlocked and Hyejin doesn’t notice an intruder in her room.

Wheein hesitates only briefly but then she’s sliding under the covers. Hyejin mumbles in her sleep, rolling over to throw her arm and leg over Wheein. She buries her face in Wheein’s neck and the exhale tickles Wheein’s sensitive skin.

“Wheeinie~” Hyejin says, languid with sleep. Her voice is extra raspy and Wheein likes the way it catches on the syllables of her name. Hyejin’s tongue puts all the effort into forming the first syllable and the rest of her name is basically a breathy note.

“Is this okay?” Wheein asks, still a little unsure.

Because yes Hyejin is her best friend and yes they’re gotten closer after reuniting at the beginning of the school year but Wheein still feels like she’s missing something important. Something big that Hyejin isn’t saying and it causes Wheein just a little bit of anxiety. Her mind feels almost too sharp, too attuned to Hyejin’s movements and what doesn’t seem to add up anymore.

Hyejin clutches Wheein tighter, pulling Wheein so that they are chest to chest and hip to hip. The weight of Hyejin’s leg is a little uncomfortable so Wheein rolls over, fitting her back to Hyejin’s front. There’s more sleepy sighing and Hyejin’s leg wiggling a little before it settles along the line of Wheein’s own bent legs.

“I love you Wheenie,” Hyejin says.

Wheein can feel the way Hyejin’s lips brush over her back as she says the words, as if pressing small kisses.

There’s a faint glow from the streetlight outside Hyejin’s window and the bed smells entirely like Hyejin but Wheein feels the tension in her shoulders release as she finally falls asleep.

+++++

No matter how hard Wheein hits the drums, the itch under her skin does not abate.

Despite the snow on the ground and the draft in her house, Wheein sits at her drum set, panting in only a sports bra and her sweatpants.

For the last week, Wheein has been unable to concentrate. Her homework efficiency is severely lacking and her dance performances have been sloppy and uncoordinated. There’s something off and Wheein doesn’t know what to do about it.

She tries to talk to Seonghwan. They study together a few times but the library seems too quiet, too empty with him there. Sometimes she’ll look up and he’ll be typing on his computer furiously, writing an English paper that’s due in a week.

Wheein tries sitting with Hyejin, but lately her stare has been unnerving instead of comforting. There’s an urge to fix her hair or her skirt or move suddenly and Wheein doesn’t know why all of this is coming out of nowhere.

It’s like she can’t remember how to breathe, how to fall asleep. Wheein twitches too often, waking herself up with a jolt that has her reaching for her phone, looking at the time, and rolling over onto the cold side of her bed.

The house seems emptier nowadays. Clouds appear more grey than white and the sun tends to be blinding instead of warming.

Wheein takes all of this in with a slight panic. She doesn’t know why it’s getting harder to live, harder to be.

Her easel still sits, folded in the corner of the room. It’s been forever since she’s painted. Every once in a while Wheein will sketch. She likes the way her pencils catch against the paper, how the rhythmic scratches soothe something deep in her soul.

She makes a decision then, to put on a sweatshirt and drive to her local art store. All of her paints have dried out by now so she picks up some new ones. They’re expensive for being in such little bottles but Wheein buys an array of colors and sets up her easel. Dusts off the canvas that she never started and looks around her room for inspiration.

Her white sheets are rumpled and the soft lighting of her room leaves her in a pleasant mood. Her textbooks are open on her desk, laptop plugged into the charger. The record player her dad bought her for Christmas has its own small table but the room is silent now.

Wheein mixes some colors on her old palette and begins to paint again.

+++++

Wheein lags back after dance practice, the thought of going home making her insides twist uncomfortably. She plops down on the carpeted flooring outside the school gymnasium, opening up a sketchbook. Wheein pulls on her headphones, grabbing a snack to munch on mindlessly in an effort to ignore the passing of time.

After two hours, the gym doors open to reveal Hyejin. There’s a beat of hesitation. Hyejin always leaves practice first, gym bag resting on her shoulder and hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. Wheein looks up and catches her eyes, a little frozen, a little unsure.

But Hyejin offers her a tentative smile and a hand to help Wheein up.

They don’t go to Hyejin’s house. Hyejin doesn’t offer and Wheein doesn’t ask. Instead, Wheein climbs into Hyejin’s car and relaxes into the passenger seat. Hyejin looks at Wheein like maybe she knows that Wheein doesn’t want to go home or study or do much of anything and Wheein is grateful that Hyejin still knows what Wheein needs even when she doesn’t have the words for it. 

So Hyejin pulls up to a coin karaoke place.

Wheein grins, catching up Hyejin’s hand like they used to and dragging her inside.

Hours later, after Hyejin’s voice is worn out and Wheein’s cheeks hurt from smiling, they grab a late dinner. The sun has set, leaving Wheein feeling slightly chilled and Hyejin wraps her up in a hoodie that smells like Hyejin’s perfume and pays for the food that she doesn’t eat.

Wheein swallows down almost all of the noodles before she catches Hyejin’s gaze on her, dark and focused and adoring.

Something loosens in Wheein’s chest and she smiles at her best friend, noodles still falling out of her mouth. Hyejin gives her a real smile, small but lighting up her eyes in the way that only her real smiles do.

It becomes a routine after that, waiting after dance practices on Thursday for Hyejin to come out of volleyball, expectant and dazed and as patient as Wheein has ever seen her.

(she’s not very patient when Wheein forces her to study instead of going to an arcade or movie theater but she sits with Wheein anyway, always trying to distract her)

(Wheein will never admit that it usually works)

Soon, Thursday night sleepovers join the routine. Wheein stays out as late as possible, avoiding the silence that permeates the cold air of her bedroom, trapped between her walls. Hyejin gets into the habit of asking her to stay over. And while Hyejin’s walls are thin, she curls in beside Wheein, an endless source of warmth, and falls asleep faster than she ever has before.

+++++

When Wheein gets mad at her boyfriend, all he does is smile.

He waits for her to calm down, patient and caring and equally as stubborn before he takes her into his arms and holds her close until their breathing syncs up.

Seonghwan presses kisses to the crown of her head and tells her that she loves him and the fight is over just like that.

It ends, with Wheein helpless to stay mad and Seonghwan buying her dinner.

It’s easy. There’s nothing else to it. 

+++++

Hyejin eats over half of her lunch one day. Some fruit and a granola bar and even a few bites of Wheein’s ramen when she offers it.

(she does this every day and Hyejin can see the concern in her eyes but she never presses and Hyejin doesn’t offer an excuse)

It’s the small steps.

+++++

Why are you trying so hard?

You're already beautiful

+++++

Wheein stands on the mezzanine behind the bleachers. Up here, there are three white folding tables, a cooler and a popcorn machine that the school calls concessions. It’s ridiculously overpriced and Wheein sort of wishes she had the foresight to sneak in snacks and maybe a water bottle.

She’s incredibly thirsty.

This is Hyejin’s last game of the season, unless they qualify for sectionals or state or whatever the next thing is.

Wheein is surprised to find how noisy the crowds are at volleyball games. There’s a constant groan of the bleachers as parents and kids adjust their seating. The student section stomps on the bleachers and roars with their cheers. Wheein doesn’t sit with them.

She poses on the railing instead, leaning her arms on the cold metal and resting her chin on top of the makeshift pillow for herself.

Hyejin is crouched low on the court. Sweat beads stain her hairline and her ponytail is barely contained. Wheein is pretty impressed that Hyejin can still play with her hair and bangs flying into her face.

Her teeth are bared in a snarl and she reminds Wheein of a lion in this moment. Poised for the kill. Her short shorts stretch to accommodate the wide expanse of her thighs and Wheein can see the slim muscles of her legs when she shuffles back and forth, anticipating the ball.

Wheein also thinks it’s just like Hyejin to have a special jersey too.

(Hyejin will later say that having a different jersey is not her being stubborn but just because of the position she plays on the court)

Wheein taps her fingers against the bar in time with the movement of Hyejin’s feet. Sure and graceful as she saves the ball from impact with the floor. Her movements are fluid and Wheein wonders for a moment if Hyejin can dance. She has the coordination for it.

Later, Hyejin glances at Wheein, spotting her in the stands. She sends Wheein a smirk, teasing and confident and reminiscent of the Hyejin Wheein once knew.

+++++

Wheein’s boyfriend moves away at the end of sophomore year.

There’s no fight. He isn’t used to fighting for anything.

They have a sad kiss goodbye and Wheein drops him off at the airport.

It’s easy to watch him walk away and Wheein only feels the slightest bit of remorse for it ending so soon.

Maybe love isn’t supposed to be easy.

+++++

The summer after sophomore year, Wheein and Hyejin go to the beach.

There’s a pretty cheap condo only about four hours from their hometown. Hyejin drives and sings to the radio and Wheein brings the snacks and feeds Hyejin a few peanuts while she drives.

She’s been more receptive to the food Wheein offers and Wheein feels the relief as something acutely palpable.

Hyejin is surprisingly good at driving, something that Wheein thinks is uncanny given how easily she’s distracted. Her driving is smooth and the movements are controlled and Wheein finds herself drifting to sleep before she even realizes it. When Hyejin shakes her awake, the condo building stands tall in front of them.

They enter their room to find a quaint kitchen and living area. There’s a tiny shared balcony with a cute clothesline and a fantastic view of the ocean and Wheein almost wants to forgo the beach for a couple hours just to sketch the view from their room.

But Hyejin lacks all tact and patience so she’s claiming a room while Wheein takes pictures. Her suitcase lands on the bed with a loud grunt and Wheein rolls her eyes at Hyejin’s dramatics.

When she pokes her head in, Hyejin is facing the bed with her suitcase open, unclasping her bra and stripped down to just her underwear.

With Hyejin’s body bare like this, Wheein can really see the changes in her friend’s frame. Hyejin’s shoulders have thinned significantly, even if the curve of her waist still rounds in a way that is too mature for Hyejin’s age. Her thighs are shapely but her calves are skinny and Wheein notes the muscles that flex when she bends over-

Wheein leaves Hyejin’s room to change into her own bathing suit, the words she wanted to say forgotten on her tongue.

The beach air smells like the ocean salt spray and Wheein thrusts her face at the sun, soaking in the warmth. Her towel and things are dropped on the sand and Wheein practically sprints into the water. Underneath her toes the sand grains shift and begin to imbed themselves in every crevice available. Wheein will be cleaning her toes thoroughly and still feel the sand between them for weeks afterwards.

The water is warmer than Wheein anticipated but still freezing and she shivers when it laps against her shin. Her hair hits her face and she spits out a mouthful of the offender as she turns to face the direction of the wind.

Which just so happens to be the shore where Hyejin has dropped her cover up and is walking toward Wheein in the water.

And Wheein is fairly confident she’s reached paradise.

The angle of the sun hits Hyejin’s skin perfectly. Her golden complexion is near ethereal against the stark white of her one piece. It fits tight around Hyejin’s chest but also rises high to expose her hips as she walks.

Wheein likes to believe there is beauty in everything. That beauty really is in the eye of the beholder because if you really want to see something beautiful you will. That’s why some people are blind to what harms them and oblivious to what is good for them.

With Hyejin walking toward her though— black hair blowing in the wind like it’s a shampoo advertisement and the sun shining down on her— Wheein can see clearly in mind’s eye how warriors, how kings, how gods have been brought to their knees in the face of beauty.

Hyejin wades into the water in front of Wheein, lifting her hands to tickle the skin underneath Wheein’s chin. She smiles and Wheein is thunderstruck by the happiness tucked into the crinkles of her eyes. Hyejin shines brighter than the diamonds made of the sand she stands on and it’s poetic. That such beauty, such immensity, is contained in something, someone so small.

Maybe that is why there are artists in the world. Because when there is something, someone so radiant- it would be human nature to attempt to preserve it.

“You’re so slow,” Wheein complains, pouting slightly, “You wanted to go to the beach so bad yet you take ten years to get here.”

Hyejin whines and pushes at Wheein’s shoulder, “Aish don’t be melodramatic,”

“What? More dramatic than you with your basically slow motion entrance?”

Her best friend just narrows her eyes and pouts but Wheein can see that past her annoyance she’s happy.

It’s near impossible for Hyejin to be unhappy at the beach anyway.

“My summer,” Wheein coos affectionately, leaning against Hyejin briefly.

Hyejin smells like sunscreen and flowers and everything that embodies summer really.

“You haven’t called me that in a long time,” Hyejin says quietly, not upset or guarded, but contemplative.

Wheein just winks at her, flipping her hair dramatically to one side only for the wind to blow it up into her neck instead of letting her hair lay against her shoulders seductively.

It’s playful and cute in nature and Hyejin chuckles, her crouching into the water to hover her hands over the waves. At that height, the spray of the water coat’s Hyejin’s palms but never fully immerses them in the water.

“I like it,” Hyejin informs Wheein, as if Wheein didn’t already know, “Keep doing it.”

“So bossy,” Wheein complains, splashing Hyejin with the kick of her foot.

Hyejin doesn’t deny it and grabs at Wheein’s foot, stroking the smooth skin of her ankle.

They stay in the ocean for the rest of the afternoon.

+++++

They celebrate the start of their junior year with an extra special Thursday sleepover.

Wheein declares that they absolutely need a pillow fort tonight and Hyejin doesn’t really deny Wheein anything except when she wants to annoy her.

Unfortunately Hyejin has been in a bratty mood lately.

Which is why she’s currently sprawled out on the floor of her living room, laughing wildly at Wheein’s disgruntled expression as she claws uselessly at Hyejin’s legs.

“Hyejin, Hyejin, Hyejin-ah” Wheein complains, wiggling her shoulders back and forth with a huge pout, “Move~”

“But I’m so comfy,” Hyejin says, heaving a huge sigh from her chest and sinking further into the floor, stretching her arms.

Wheein grabs at her ankles and gives her a tug that does absolutely nothing to uproot Hyejin from her designated place on the floor.

She refuses to be deterred though and Hyejin laughs as Wheein kneels down between Hyejin’s spread legs. For a second Hyejin just admires that picture and how Wheein looks with her hair pulled back and the determination in her eyes as they lock onto Hyejin’s prone form.

(it feels a lot like nights in Hyejin’s bed alone and craving release and other things that Hyejin doesn’t put a name to)

Wheein reaches forward with her blunt nails and scratches up the sides of Hyejin’s torso. The scrape of her nails is kind of pleasant and Hyejin wonders how this is the latest tactic for getting her to move.

It becomes apparent after a few more seconds.

“I’m sorry Wheein,” Hyejin laughs, “I’m not ticklish,”

Her voice sounds sincere and Wheein looks genuinely hurt that her brilliant plan was foiled so easily. She persists for a few more minutes and Hyejin lays on the floor, content to let her best friend wear herself out.

It happens soon and Wheein slumps down, burying her face in Hyejin’s stomach and releasing a loud moan and vibrates through Hyejin’s whole body. It tingles pleasantly and Hyejin feels kind of warm and fuzzy all over now.

Wheein mumbles something unintelligible into Hyejin’s stomach and her breath is hot against Hyejin’s clothed skin. That is the closest Wheein has come to making Hyejin flinch tonight and Hyejin debates telling her.

It’d probably just spark another round of pitiful attempts to move Hyejin.

Although maybe not because Wheein seems pretty comfortable.

They should still probably put together the fort though. Hyejin looks at all the blankets and pillows and couch cushions they got for this project and thinks it would be a shame to waste all their time on gathering the materials and just laying here instead.

Wheein fidgets a little and whines again into Hyejin’s stomach. It makes Hyejin laugh again and the rumbling of her tummy bounces Wheein’s head, which makes her laugh even harder.

Soon they’re both laughing and Hyejin wishes life could always be like this.

+++++

There are exactly three classes that Hyejin and Wheein do not share this year.

Hyejin takes college level history during her first period with Miss Uhm Junghwa and Wheein takes a computer science class instead. Their fifth and sixth periods are different but the nice thing about fifth period is that it takes place directly after lunch.

They form a routine. Wheein will finish her lunch and Hyejin will eat her fruit and maybe a bit of whatever else Wheein offers and then they go to their lockers and grab their books for the classes they have next.

Hyejin tends to finish packing her things first so she leans against Wheein’s locker in the meantime. Sometimes she’ll brush the hair from Wheein’s eyes or smooth the back of her hand down Wheein’s face. It’s hit or miss if Wheein will welcome the touch or scoff at it but her eyes are quietly pleased so Hyejin doesn’t feel very deterred given either reaction.

When Wheein finishes, Hyejin will walk by her side to her class and press a kiss to Wheein’s jaw. This is a touch Wheein will always allow and afterwards she’ll either wipe at her skin or wink at Hyejin.

Hyejin doesn’t bother sticking around after seeing whichever mood Wheein is in. The halls will start filling with students and teachers coming back from their breaks and Hyejin has class down the hall.

They go into their separate classrooms and always reunite at seventh period. With casual touches and inside jokes and quiet affection.

+++++

For Thanksgiving Wheein opts out of deciding which parent to spend it with and goes to Hyejin’s house instead. Both of her sisters are home from break but they won’t be doing things as a family until dinner so their friend group decides to have a small pot luck style lunch.

When Wheein arrives, Hyejin is at the stove humming to herself. Lately, Wheein has found that Hyejin enjoys slow songs. Something sweet and youthful as opposed to seductive and jazzy.

Chungha arrives next and brushes her fingers against Hyejin’s shoulder in greeting, setting down her dish on the table. Wheein begins cooking the rice as they anticipate the rest of their friends.

Leejung and Yehwan arrive together, with matching smiles and awful dance moves and a bottle of wine Leejung asked her sister to buy.

It’s all perfect.

Wheein sits beside Yehwan and across from Hyejin, knocking their toes together under the table. Hyejin glares at her after the third time and bends her knees so that her feet no longer stick out.

Chungha sits down beside Hyejin and hands her a plate. There’s a fair amount of meat and a portion of rice and only a little bit of one of the side dishes.

Yehwan piles more food on his plate beside Wheein and digs in without further ado.

Leejung tells Yehwan he’s going to choke if he piles any more food in his mouth and he looks her in the eye as he adds another dumpling. Chungha is mostly quiet but she laughs along with everyone and talks quietly with Hyejin when the dancers get too loud. Wheein divides her time between talking to Chungha about her classes and scolding Yehwan when he spills sauce everywhere.

Leejung says something that Wheein doesn’t catch and Hyejin laughs, her cheeks rosy and full.

By the end of the meal, there’s only a little rice left on Hyejin’s plate and this.

This, Wheein thinks, is where they’re all meant to be.

+++++

It hits Hyejin all at once.

Overdramatically and with probably the worst timing Hyejin has ever experienced.

And she’s awful with time management so really, this is impressive.

Finals are fast approaching for first semester and Hyejin swears she is definitely studying this time after last year's tragic grades. (private school is just a little harder than public school, a fact that Hyejin kind of forgot during her sophomore year)

Wheein sits across from her at the library, her cute little nose burrowed in a book so deep that Hyejin’s a little impressed she can read the words without going cross eyed.

Hyejin, as usual, is staring at Wheein. She started off studying, she really did, but how does anyone expect her to concentrate when Wheein is sitting across from her looking so cute? 

Wheein used to be a small kid with knobby knees and pointy elbows and the roundest cheeks Hyejin had ever seen. Wheein was someone who carried her worries in her legs but still somehow never ran from her problems, even if it seems like the easiest way to expel that energy. Wheein was a little kid with paint stained fingers and not enough energy and an affinity for the quiet.

Hyejin used to think that Wheein was restless because she had so much to say. After all, when they were alone, Wheein was sort of crazy. Loud and witty and so, so smart. Hyejin is kind of in awe of her best friend’s knowledge.

A lot of it useful, a lot of it useless, but always entertaining.

(or maybe Hyejin just liked the way Wheein enunciated all of the syllables of the word, like each one was precious and worth the time and effort it takes to speak them properly)

(when Wheein says her name it makes Hyejin feel like she’s precious and worth the time and effort it takes to love her)

But now Hyejin sits across a new Wheein, grown and mature and peaceful. There’s still those signs of anxiety, but Wheein has learned to control them. Hyejin can see it in the way Wheein bangs her knees together or lifts her leg in that weird and quirky way. Sometimes Wheein will press her lips together when she’s considering her manners, anxious about what may come from her mouth if she isn’t careful.

(Hyejin knows— with much amusement— that if Wheein weren’t so worried about the manners of their society, she’d probably say something totally snarky and accurate and clever)

And thus brings about Hyejin’s sudden panic. She wants to be able to draw, to write, or anything really. She needs to be able to capture Wheein like this, casual and calm and patient, in the quiet of the library with the afternoon sunlight hitting her hair and those few strands of her bangs that keep falling in her eyes.

Hyejin suddenly knows why people have gone to war for beauty not their own. Have started revolutions over artwork and creation. Have fallen into depression and despair from being ignored by the object of their affections.

Wheein is doing nothing across from Hyejin, her nose buried in her book and her lips softly mouthing every few words and Hyejin-

Hyejin is in love.

+++++

With Christmas comes cold weather and Hyejin bundled in a coat that looks about three sizes too big and Wheein wrapping her scarf around her head so that it covers her nose and ears.

There’s no snow yet so the cold weather is largely unrewarding. Wheein half waddles and half runs from her car and into the school, whining about the cold the whole time.

Hyejin is painfully slow during winter. The lack of sunlight and cold air makes her extra lethargic and Wheein knows that she’ll be the one waking Hyejin up after Thursday night sleepovers and practically carrying her to the car.

She wears lots of warm clothing, frowns even more during school hours, and Wheein only finds it a bit cute.

Just a bit.

However one of the absolute worst things about Hyejin and winter is that her fingers are basically icicles at all times.

Every time Hyejin gets done with her first period, she’ll wrap her arms around Wheein in the hallway while they wait for the class to empty out and stick her hands under Wheein’s shirt.

They’re ridiculously cold and Wheein always fights Hyejin’s grip but the rest of her body is always so warm so every time Wheein breaks free, she finds her back cold and her tummy cold and immediately makes Hyejin wrap herself around Wheein again. Hyejin laughs and teases Wheein about it endlessly but Wheein doesn’t really care as long as Hyejin keeps her warm.

She’s kind of doing a shit job of that right now though.

They’re walking along some of the shops in a town about half an hour away, admiring the Christmas lights. Hyejin forgot her gloves so she has her hands in her pockets and her face buried in the collar of her jacket. It’s muffling her already husky and low voice so Wheein isn’t quite sure what she’s saying.

“What?” Wheein asks, for probably the fifth time today.

Hyejin groans as if Wheein is joking (which she isn’t) and shoves Wheein with one of her shoulders. The action isn’t all that rough or forceful but Wheein still yelps and spins wildly toward her left with a wide swing of her arms.

It’s a good thing the streets are pretty empty otherwise Wheein probably would’ve beheaded any children within a meter radius of her.

Her best friend rolls her eyes and when they settle back into a steady gaze, Hyejin bounces on her toes.

“Byul! Byul!”

Wheein glances over at a girl she had met a couple times through Hyejin. During a few social gatherings when they were really young and Hyejin had found this other best friend apparently. A lanky brunette girl with hamster-esqe cheeks and way too many oversized t-shirts.

In teenage form, the girl has long purple hair, curled and tossed over one side of her shoulder. She lacks the usual bangs Wheein sees on most girls which makes her forehead look kind of big. Byulyi has on a long trench coat and black boots that give her some extra height even if she doesn’t seem that much taller than Wheein or Hyejin.

Byulyi waves excitedly at Hyejin; her arms do this weird penguin flapping motion and then she’s barreling into Hyejin and lifting her up off the ground. Hyejin shrieks as Byulyi spins her before placing her back on the sidewalk.

“Hyejin-ah, it’s been so long,”

“Yes,” Hyejin says, her cheeks flushed and pink.

Wheein watches this interaction passively, not quite sure what to make of Byulyi or Byulyi and Hyejin’s relationship.

She fades a little into the background as Byulyi settles on Hyejin’s other side and follows them step for step. Wheein doesn’t really mind, it gives her more time to observe the shops they pass. Wheein is still trying to decide what she should get her mother for Christmas. Is there a good gift that screams, “you suck for ruining our family but I still love you it’ll just take some time” without being too direct?

Suddenly Wheein realizes she’s walked a few steps ahead and turns back around, looking for Hyejin and Byulyi.

They’re standing under a shop awning, decorated with hanging lights and a red plant that makes Wheein’s stomach bottom out.

“Hyejin-ah,” Byulyi sing-songs, pulling Hyejin in close by the sleeves of her coat.

There’s a look on Hyejin’s face that’s kind of scary (or trying to be) and kind of intrigued. She leans in closer to Byulyi who squeals and backs away, shaking her head with the scrunch of her nose.

“Byulyi,” Hyejin says, her voice dropping an octave, “You owe me a kiss.”

“I was kidding Hyejinnie,” Byulyi pouts, looking up at the plant and then back down at Hyejin’s expectant face.

“Why?” Hyejin asks, her hands leaving the warmth of her coat to tug at the belt of Byulyi’s jacket, “Are you afraid of kissing me?”

Byulyi snorts but she still lets herself be dragged back into Hyejin’s personal space, right underneath the plant.

“Are you embarrassed?” Hyejin continues to goad, “Are you a bad kisser? I can help you if you need practice,”

Wheein rolls her eyes at Hyejin’s awful flirting. It sounds like something out of a poorly written greasy romcom and honestly who would fall for that?

No one except Byulyi apparently.

Because Byulyi is suddenly glaring at Hyejin and sweeping the smaller girl into arms and planting a messy kiss on Hyejin’s lips.

There is absolutely no tact to it and Wheein cringes both internally and externally because it’s probably the worst kiss she’s ever witnessed-

Except Hyejin grabs Byulyi’s chin and tilts her head and then they’re kissing for real. Hyejin’s mouth slots perfectly against Byulyi’s lips and there is a sound of surprise that turns into something more and Wheein isn’t sure who it came from.

When they break apart, Hyejin looks smug and Byulyi looks impressed and neither notices Wheein’s glare as Byulyi answers a phone call and takes off with another appraising look at Hyejin’s lips.

Hyejin laughs, brushing back her hair with her long fingernails and giving Byulyi a quick flit of her fingers in parting. Byulyi winks at her and is gone, speaking rapidly into her phone.

When Hyejin turns back to Wheein, her smile immediately fades, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just waiting for you to hurry up. As usual,”

Wheein’s tone is more forceful than usual and it makes Wheein’s ears red. There’s a mixture of shame and anger stirring in her chest and Wheein grits her teeth and starts making her way back down the street without waiting to see if Hyejin is following.

She catches up to Wheein a few seconds later, matching the brisk pace Wheein sets with little difficulty. Hyejin doesn’t offer anything else and neither does Wheein.

In the back of Wheein’s mind, she knows she’s making a big deal out of nothing. It was a meaningless kiss under the mistletoe and it really didn’t distract them that much from their walk.

At the next store, Hyejin holds up a record and belts out a Mariah Carey song in the middle of the record store. Wheein tries to focus on the soothing sound of Hyejin’s voice and not the way her lipstick is still smudged at the edges from earlier.

When she laughs, it’s just as loud and bright as usual but Hyejin looks like she knows Wheein is still mad but she laughs with Wheein all the same.

They walk out of the store and Wheein’s heart feels heavy in her chest for reasons she can’t name but Hyejin stays by her side for the rest of the walk anyway.

And maybe… maybe that’s what love is.

+++++

“Hold still,”

“Your hands are cold,”

“Your face is warm,”

Wheein’s eyes are closed otherwise she would’ve rolled them.

There’s a New Years party at Leejung’s house tonight. Wheein had volunteered as the designated driver since the only reason Hyejin is even showing up is to drink. Apparently she promised Chungha that she’d be her partner in cup pong tonight and Hyejin had begged Wheein to come with, saying it’d be no fun without her.

Despite the fact that this party was a bunch of high schoolers, Leejung insisted that they act a bit more refined than usual. What part of beer pong is refined? Wheein will never know.

Nevertheless she’s picked out a nice suit for the occasion. A tailored blazer and slacks that she leaves unbuttoned to showcase her lacy bra. Wheein even straightens her hair for the party, which all in all makes for one hell of an outfit.

If anyone pukes on Wheein tonight she will be throwing hands.

After finishing off the look with a pair of gold earrings, Wheein waits by the door. They should have left about twenty minutes ago but Hyejin is late like usual.

“Hurry up,” Wheein shouts across the house.

“I’m coming,” Hyejin shouts back immediately.

There’s the telltale click of her heels which Wheein is fairly confident she’ll be toeing off as soon as she crosses the threshold-

Any other thought Wheein was currently having leaves her mind instantly as Hyejin steps into view.

Her press is pure white, complimentary to Wheein’s white suit which is kind of funny but that isn’t even Wheein’s first thought.

Or her fifth.

The front of the dress is actually quite conservative. The neck is high and Hyejin has tied back her dark hair into a low ponytail. It has long sleeves and appears to be made of silk or a silk like material. It hugs her body in a conservative manner and if not her the way Hyejin walks, Wheein would’ve made a joke about her being as covered as a nun.

However there’s a long slit that stops probably just before her underwear, revealing one of Hyejin’s toned thighs with every step she takes. She moves past Wheein to grab her clutch and keys and Wheein catches sight of the gap in her back. The back of the dress has a huge slit that reveals most of Hyejin’s delicate back that makes Wheein briefly blank on all of her thoughts.

“Lets go,” Hyejin says, oblivious to Wheein’s rebooting brain.

Wheein moves past Hyejin to open the door and escort her to the car, finally regaining control of her thoughts and actions.

When they arrive, the party is in full swing.

Chungha immediately whisks Hyejin to a table set up in the back. There’s some weird dubstep version of classical music playing in the background and many teenagers wearing floor length gowns and nice suits. Everyone has a wine glass but the liquid in some of them is definitely not wine.

Wheein feels someone grab her arm and suddenly she’s being whisked into conversation with some people she recognizes from the dance club and Leejung comes to greet her with a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

It’s almost two hours later when Wheein manages to stumble away from the others. Midnight is fast approaching and Hyejin had promised they could go home soon after the celebration.

It wasn’t that Wheein wasn’t having some fun. But most of her classmates were wine drunk and playing games with drunk people just wasn’t the same.

“Wheein!”

Hyejin’s voice has taken on a higher pitch. It’s her natural voice, youthful and cute and raised from the raspy purr she usually speaks with. Wheein turns immediately to see Hyejin with flushed cheeks and a wine glass in hand. It still has a ping pong ball in it from the earlier games. Hyejin downs the rest of it and places it precariously on a table she passes by before stumbling into Wheein’s arms.

Apparently, now that Hyejin has reached Wheein, she doesn’t have much to say. Instead she wraps her arms around Wheein’s neck and taps a beat on Wheein’s shoulders, humming to herself and resting a lot of weight against the smaller girl.

Wheein groans and shifts down a little to better fit into Hyejin. She slots a leg between Hyejin’s to steady the titled girl, allowing her a base to half lay on. Hyejin’s face shifts and her breath tickles Wheein’s neck.

“Did you have fun?” Wheein asks, absentmindedly tracing the exposed skin of Hyejin’s back.

There’s a subtle shrug of Hyejin’s shoulders, “I’m really drunk.”

Wheein laughs, “I can see that,”

“Beer pong was wine pong tonight. And I was bad at it. And Chungha just wanted to flirt with someone.”

“Oh?” Wheein frowns. She had no idea Chungha was interested in anyone. “Who?”

One of Hyejin’s arms falls off of Wheein to point at something in the back of the room.

“Hyejin that’s a lamp.”

“Oh,”

Hyejin falls silent against Wheein again.

“Are we leaving soon?”

“Whenever you want,” Wheein answers.

“It’s New Years,” Hyejin states. Her head comes up and she backs away slightly, trying to look at Wheein. However Hyejin gives up about halfway into lifting her head, her eyes falling on Wheein’s lips to watch how they move.

“Yes, this is a New Years party.”

“Are you going to kiss me at midnight?”

“Aish,” Wheein cringes, “That’s kind of cliche,”

Hyejin frowns but it looks like more of a pout. Her eyes are large and rounded, almost pleading and Wheein is kind of confused.

“Wheein-ah,” Hyejin taps her nose against Wheein’s chin and tugs at Wheein’s shoulders, “It’s just a kiss,”

They’ve got about thirty seconds until the New Year and Wheein shifts again, wrapping her arms more firmly around Hyejin.

There’s something in Hyejin’s dark eyes that alerts Wheein to the gravity of their conversation. For however uncoordinated Hyejin seems, her eyes are alert and almost vulnerable. Most of the time, Hyejin’s face is twisted into this serious and blank state, unmoving in her thoughts.

Drunk Hyejin tends to be spacey in a different way. She’s more innocent, with childlike daydreams and more happiness in her tone. Wheein sometimes thinks that Hyejin only remembers she’s allowed to be happy when she’s drunk.

The Hyejin in front of her is just… soft. That’s probably the only way Wheein can describe Hyejin now. Her eyes are dazzling but open. She’s a candid picture, all of her emotions exposed.

So why can’t Wheein read her?

In the background, Wheein can hear the countdown begin.

10…

Wheein fidgets against the wall, her legs bouncing a little. She’s nervous but she doesn’t know why.

7…

Hyejin looks like she’s preparing for something. Her hands plant themselves on the wall beside Wheein’s head. The absence of Hyejin’s weight feels cold against Wheein’s shoulders.

4…

Wheein grips Hyejin’s hips firmly, her eyes darting down to Hyejin’s mouth. Those sinful red lips are parted in anticipation.

3…

Hyejin leans closer, brushing their noses together. Her eyes do not leave Wheein’s mouth.

2…

It feels like Wheein is forgetting something.

1…

Hyejin crashes into Wheein, a little clumsy, a little enthusiastic. Wheein inhales sharply against Hyejin’s mouth. She tastes different than Wheein expected. There’s wine on Hyejin's tongue but something else in her breath that reminds Wheein of whispered conversations at sleepover and brushing their teeth side by side.

Teeth nip at Wheein’s bottom lip and a moan catches in the back of her throat. A pair of full lips soothe the slight sting and Hyejin sucks on Wheein’s upper lip. She presses against Wheein firmly, and the cold metal of Hyejin’s pendant makes Wheein shiver when it touches her bare skin. 

It’s good. Really good.

They break apart slowly. Wheein opens her eyes first. Hyejin has barely moved an inch away, her eyes still closed and her lips still parted. She seems to realize Wheein has stopped kissing her a few seconds later because her eyelashes flutter. Once, twice, then Hyejin opens her eyes fully, landing on Wheein’s mouth again before she’s dragging them back up to Wheein’s eyes.

“Happy New Year,” Hyejin says, warm and husky.

“Happy New Year,” Wheein echos, a little dazed and a little in love.

+++++

Wheein drops Hyejin off at her house and she flops face first in her bed after taking off her dress. Hyejin can taste Wheein on her tongue still and her lips tingle with anticipation, like they’re still expecting to be met with another pair of lips at any moment.

It’s only twenty minutes later that Wheein finds herself on her bed, fingers tracing her lips over and over as if to convince herself tonight was not a dream. She’s afraid to close her eyes and forget these memories. She’s even more afraid that she’ll remember them.

Their hearts beat in sync from across town. Both girls dream of the kiss but by morning Hyejin can’t stop remembering every detail and Wheein has forgotten all about it.

+++++

Hyejin is jumpy.

Everytime Wheein gets to close, everytime their skin brushes, everytime Hyejin leans in to kiss Wheein’s jaw-

God she was drunk and asked her best friend to kiss her on New Years and it was all a huge mistake.

Wheein doesn’t seem even remotely phased which makes Hyejin both relieved and disappointed. It’s a good thing that Wheein is acting normal. Hyejin now has plenty of time to completely zone out and have a meltdown for probably the rest of her life.

She wasn’t even that drunk. Hyejin played cup pong with Chungha for probably an hour before wandering outside to look at the stars. To make matters even worse, the only alcohol she had was wine during the game. That leaves basically an hour for Hyejin to sober up.

Sure, she hadn’t eaten much that day and Hyejin was already a lightweight but she wasn’t fully drunk drunk. Definitely not blackout drunk and Hyejin wonders if that would’ve been better.

Then she remembers how Wheein’s lips moved against hers and Hyejin praises whatever god is out there that she was coherent enough to remember that.

After all this time, Hyejin really hasn’t given her sexual or romantic preferences any thought. She doesn’t care to either. That’s more effort than it’s worth. All Hyejin knows is that she’s gay enough to appreciate Chungha’s eyes and Byulyi’s hands and Wheein’s cheekbones. 

And that’s as far as she’ll go into labeling herself.

More importantly, she asked her best friend to kiss her on New Years and she wasn’t drunk enough to forget it or the fact that she is in love with said best friend. Hopelessly in love, Hyejin might add, because Wheein has given no indication that she even likes girls. And while Hyejin is confident that Wheein isn’t homophobic, kissing your drunk best friend on New Years doesn’t mean anything in terms of sexuality.

Hyejin presses her lips together as she mulls it over again and again. Honestly she can’t remember why she even agreed to go shopping today. Most of the time, Hyejin gets bored of shopping within the first half hour. It’s not that she doesn’t like shopping… but Hyejin is awful with her finances and she gets burned out pretty quickly when looking through stores.

Wheein and Leejung had left her probably ten minutes ago. Hyejin can’t remember what store they’re in or why but she’s pretty content to sit here with her existential crisis.

A few minutes later, Hyejin spots Wheein and Leejung coming back, arm in arm. Wheein has a blush to her cheeks that Hyejin has never seen before and Leejung is whispering something in her ear.

They’re about two meters away from Hyejin when a boy comes running after them.

He has floppy brown hair and an elegant nose and eyes only for Wheein.

Mystery boy stutters to a stop right behind Wheein and Leejung, who both turn around. When Leejung sees who it is, she backs away to stand beside Hyejin.

“We saw him in the store,” Leejung whispers, “I think he’s pretty cute but Wheein says he’s just okay.”

Hyejin takes another look at the boy. He definitely has cute cheeks and a pretty good sense of style for a teenage boy. His hair has been combed but the running has mused it again and his fingernails are clean cut.

He could be cute, Hyejin supposes.

“He overheard us talking and Wheein got so embarrassed,” Leejung continues.

The boy hands Wheein a slip of paper and Wheein is hiding a wide smile behind her hand.

Hyejin feels something stab at her chest, sharp and blunt and full of sorrow.

Yeah, Wheein doesn’t like girls.

+++++

When they come back from school after winter break, Hyejin has started stage one of the five stages of grief: denial.

Hyejin doesn’t deny that she kind of likes Wheein, probably likes girls, and hasn’t made any effort to tell anyone about any of these things. Which is fine, Hyejin doesn’t spend her days wallowing in self pity or laying on the couch listening to slow and sapphic songs.

(okay maybe she did like once or twice)

But after that, Hyejin had accepted all of these things. Which brings Hyejin to the next logical step. Deny that any of this will change her friendship with Wheein.

Because it doesn’t.

And if Hyejin stops going over to Wheein’s house every few days, makes more excuses to stay out of group activities, and spends more of her time alone… well none of that has anything to do with Wheein and a boy who is not Hyejin.

It’s strangely easy to disengage herself from Wheein. And Hyejin doesn’t know if that should make her feel happy or depressed.

Lost in thought like usual, Hyejin doesn’t realize there’s a door opening and a body in front of her until it’s too late. Hyejin collides with someone, jaw catching a muscled shoulder and a mouthful of hair.

They stumble away from each other, bouncing backwards. Hyejin knocks her leg painfully into a bench and the other girl basically trips over the duffle bag at her side. It’s hilariously uncoordinated on both of their ends and Hyejin bursts out laughing, covering her mouth with her hand and slapping the other against her leg.

The girl she stumbled into gives Hyejin a shy smile and giggles too. She doesn’t seem very embarrassed and Hyejin admires her casual confidence.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” the girl says, her voice high and sweet.

“It’s okay,” Hyejin assures her, waving her hands in an awkward gesture. It’s supposed to look non threatening but after another glance at the girl, Hyejin feels kind of ridiculous and drops her hands altogether.

“I’m Kei,” the girl says, sticking out her hand. Hyejin takes it. Kei shakes with a firm grasp, all warm fingers and determination.

“I’m new here,” Kei continues, “I was looking for the cheer coach.”

“Oh!” A light goes off in the back of Hyejin’s mind, “You’re here on a cheer scholarship right?”

Kei grins, “Yup,”

Kei opens her mouth to say more but closes it when she sees someone else round the corner.

“Hyejin-ah,” Wheein sings, skipping into the hall, “I want crab for dinner. Crab and lobster and honestly just all of the food because I am starving,” She elongates the last word, raising her voice to an ungodly pitch that’s both beautiful and ear piercing.

Wheein begins coughing violently when she sees that Hyejin is not alone.

Hyejin laughs at the same time Kei does. Both seem startled and turn to face each other again.

“We should exchange phone numbers,” Kei tells Hyejin, “Maybe you could show me around some time?”

Her voice is a little breathy and Hyejin finds herself averting her eyes, shy all of a sudden. Nevertheless she hands Kei her phone and waits while Kei inputs her number.

When Kei hands back the phone, her fingers brush against Hyejin’s.

The unexpectedness of it causes Hyejin to freeze. Kei looks at their hands then looks back up at Hyejin.

“Call me soon,” Kei tells her.

The cheerleader nods at Wheein and departs without another word.

Hyejin stares after her for a moment. She’s a little happy that she likes girls enough to appreciate the swish of Kei’s skirt as she retreats.

Wheein clears her throat and Hyejin says nothing and Wheein says nothing.

+++++

Wheein’s a little frustrated.

Although she doesn’t really have a valid reason. Her skin crawls like it’s been put on inside out. Wheein finds herself caught in a glare more often than not and breaking the led of her pencil as she writes because she’s pressing down way too hard.

Hyejin’s gaze will snap to Wheein when she hears the pencil snapping. Then her phone will ding and Hyejin goes right back to forgetting Wheein even exists.

Yeah maybe Wheein has a small idea of why she’s so mad.

Stupid cheerleaders and their stupid tendencies to text her best friend every hour of every day.

It’s impractical to ask Hyejin for all of her attention everyday but Kei seems to demand it and Hyejin is only too happy to give her all the acknowledgment she wants.

Kei doesn’t sit with them at lunch but her position at the cheerleaders table puts her in direct eyeline of Hyejin. Kei sends Hyejin hearts during lunch that make Hyejin squirm and stutter and send tentative hearts back.

It’s a little sickening but Wheein can still get Hyejin to take bites of her food and Kei’s too far away to do anything about that so ha.

Wheein grumbles to herself as she marches outside, in a bad mood despite the day being pretty good. She tries to ignore the absence of someone at her side.

She’s almost to her car when she sees them.

Hyejin has her arms wrapped around Kei. The cheerleader’s bow has fallen to the ground and her hair is mused from how Hyejin tangles her fingers in it, pulling Kei impossibly close. Hyejin has one leg hooked around Kei’s hip and Kei’s hand is grabbing at her full thigh, squeezing so hard that Wheein wonders if there will be a bruise.

Wheein’s stomach bottoms out and she gets in her car, trying to block out the image burned into her brain.

+++++

During the next sleepover, Hyejin sits on the far end of the couch and ignores Wheein in favor of the movie playing. It’s a bad action film that Wheein loves and Hyejin hates.

Hyejin keeps her eyes on the screen and Wheein keeps stealing glances at Hyejin.

They get into bed and Hyejin tosses and turns underneath the covers. She gets up around two in the morning and Wheein feels cold without her.

Neither girl sleeps that night.

+++++

Wheein paints a volcano for the first time. It’s erupting, with a fiery dragon circling it. The reds and oranges are harsh against the canvas and Wheein thinks she captured all of her anger in the cracks of the mountain. 

+++++

When Taehyung asks Wheein out on a date, she says yes.

Despite giving Wheein his number at the mall, Wheein doesn’t actually start texting him until after she catches Hyejin and the cheerleader. It’s surprisingly nice to have a conversation with a stranger and Wheein finds herself actually wanting to get to know him as time goes on. He’s charming and passionate and knows how to talk about basically everything.

So Wheein goes on the date with high hopes. She isn’t disappointed.

He’s the perfect gentleman. They drive to a nice restaurant and have brunch. Taehyung pulls out Wheein’s chair and he pays the bill and walks Wheein to her front door when it’s over.

She gives him a kiss on the cheek and he blushes.

Taehyung sits in the car until Wheein’s front door is unlocked and she’s making her way inside, reflective and content.

It wasn’t perfect. Taehyung has a tendency to laugh too loud before Wheein could finish her joke which often caused him to miss the actual punch line. His hands fumble when he eats and his eyes never seem to settle on one thing in the room.

But it was good. He made Wheein laugh more than she has in a long time and he had excellent taste in food.

And maybe that is enough.

+++++

Two weeks after her date with Taehyung, Wheein has a drum recital.

It lasts about three hours and when she finishes her set about halfway into the program, she catches Hyejin on the back wall, clapping enthusiastically with a bright smile.

It makes Wheein’s head feel fuzzy and causes her to question the entire performance.

Did she really do her best? Was she on beat? Oh god was she sweating through her shirt?

Wheein attempts a hasty escape out the back door but Hyejin catches her in the parking lot.

There’s a light pressure at her wrist and Hyejin looks more unsure of herself than she has in years. Her fingers shake slightly where they hold Wheein’s hand and Hyejin’s eyes keep darting between Wheein and the ground.

“I’m sorry,” Hyejin says, quiet and confused and hurt.

Wheein’s throat feels scratchy like she’s about to cry and Hyejin let’s go when Wheein doesn’t say anything. Her arms come up to hug herself and Hyejin just looks so small-

“I love you,” Wheein tells her, heartbroken and yearning and waiting.

Hyejin’s gaze finally snaps to her and the weight of her attention settles on Wheein like a blessing. Hyejin has never had problems looking at Wheein. Her eyes drink up every detail Wheein has to offer and it feels-

It feels-

Something closes off in Hyejin’s gaze but she doesn’t leave, doesn’t run.

“You’re my best friend,” Hyejin says, both a question and a fact.

“You’re my forever,” Wheein says, her hands tentatively reaching for Hyejin.

They fall into a hug that feels like coming home and Wheein no longer feels angry. 

+++++

Kei likes to go to parties and Hyejin likes to be around Kei.

So she goes with.

The music is loud, some of the people smell awful but the alcohol is practically limitless and Hyejin feels like she needs it more and more each day. So she holds her breath and wades through the sea of dancing bodies and red solo cups to make it to the kitchen. The beer is pretty bad but Hyejin has learned that if she just remembers how sad and hurt Wheein looked, she can barely taste the alcohol. 

Hyejin ends up in Kei’s bed during these nights, nights when she can only remember how lonely her best friend looked when Hyejin tried to apologize. And she doesn’t understand what she really did wrong. Wouldn’t Wheein want more space? For the new boyfriend? Someone sweet and kind and not all kinds of fucked up like Hyejin is?

Her self pity-party makes Hyejin cringe. She doesn’t do this anymore, not that often anyway. It’s been two long years of building back up her confidence. Two years of remembering who she is and what that entails. Two years of remembering to love herself.

It’s hard. It’s hard everyday. A battle that no one else sees and no one else can congratulate her on, but Hyejin soldiers on every day she looks in the mirror, opens her lunch box, or zips up her skirt. 

She’s broken out of her thoughts by Kei, who sets down a bottle of water and aspirin by the bedside table. She tugs off Hyejin’s clothes carefully and tugs a huge sweatshirt over Hyejin’s body after a lot of mumbled protest. Kei has this pretty smile that she gives Hyejin whenever Hyejin is whiny or embarrassed and Hyejin always wants to kiss it off her lips. Wants to taste the happiness on Kei’s tongue.

“You’ll feel so much better if you wake up in a sweatshirt,” Kei promises. 

“Will you stay with me?” Hyejin asks, and wishes her voice didn’t sound so broken.

“Of course baby,” Kei presses a kiss to her hairline before tugging the covers over both of them. She wraps her arms around Hyejin and pulls her close. 

And being with Kei is so different, Hyejin realizes. Not like her middle school boyfriend, who she sacrificed herself for, became someone else just so he would like her. Not like Wheein, who knows every inch of her soul regardless of what Hyejin tells her. 

Kei is pure and gentle and treats Hyejin like she’s something fragile. It’s new and exciting and utterly freeing for Hyejin, who has spent her entire life chasing people.

It’s not love, Hyejin doesn’t think she could love two people at once. Not with how much room Wheein takes up in her heart. But it’s a fierce longing all the same.

+++++

For the Fourth of July, Wheein’s mom goes out of town and since Wheein’s dad is working, she opts to just stay the entire weekend at her mom’s house. 

It’s small, mostly bare of any decorations but since no one will be home, Wheein invites everyone over for a barbecue.

Yehwan responds back immediately, apologizing in advance for being a no show. Everyone else agrees and Wheein invites Leejung over early to go grocery shopping.

By five o’clock, Wheein and Leejung have prepared a sizable feast. Taehyung shows up with a kiss to Wheein’s cheek and a story about his sister's latest obsession, which is apparently knitting. She’s twelve and ready to master every useful life skill, or so Taehyung claims.

Despite his scoff, his eyes are bright with fondness and Wheein knows he adores his sister. She grins at him and he knows his bluff is being called. Taehyung wraps her up in a big hug, twirling her around until Wheein’s smug look is replaced with a wide smile and loud laugh.

Hyejin shows up quietly with Kei, their arms linked and heads bowed in conversation. Chungha moves to greet Hyejin, who reaches out with her free hand to touch Chungha’s arm. The volleyball player jabs her thumb behind her shoulder and Chungha nods.

“We’re going to set up chairs,” Chungha calls to the rest of the group, moving outside with Hyejin and Kei.

Everyone settles in to watch the fireworks. Wheein and Taehyung lean against a cooler, his arm wrapped around her and smelling of bug spray. The July air feels particularly humid and Wheein swats at some of her hairs that stick up.

Taehyung coos at her mockingly and she shoves him. He cuts himself off with real laughter and presses warm kisses to Wheein’s hands In apology, even if his eyes aren’t remotely sorry.

It’s a good night, and Wheein almost doesn’t catch Hyejin’s quiet laughter or awed gasps. Almost forgets that Hyejin had been there at all really.

(but Hyejin doesn’t forget Wheein. can’t miss how Taehyung makes Wheein laugh or how the fireworks illuminate her face or the pendant on her chest that feels more and more like deadweight and less like a promise of forever)

(can’t forget how they’re both with someone else and the world has never felt so off balance)

+++++

Wheein paints Taehyung a cityscape for his birthday. It’s a neon watercolor that Wheein has been trying to perfect for almost a month now and she’s finally at a place where the colors have stopped smashing into one another. 

But something is still off, Wheein thinks, observing the finished piece. Her artwork almost seems muted and Wheein wonders how she missed the lighting in her painting. Not the lights of the windows or the lamps but the light in the shadows, that makes everything glow. The painting muddles together, a consistent shade as if taken during the dead of night without any story to tell. 

Wheein abandons the canvas and goes to her room, looking for inspiration to fix it. But as she flicks through some of her other paintings, she realizes she’s made this mistake before. Repeatedly.

Wheein doesn’t know how but now that she’s really looking, she can see that her paintings are all a little one note. The room, the land, the portrait all feature a monotone source of light, a consistent glow that makes the painting cohesive but lacking in depth.

She returns to the living room to find Taehyung at her easel, his mouth open in surprise. When she enters he turns, beaming.

“This is incredible,” he says, eyes darting back to the canvas.

Wheein joins him, brushing their shoulders together, “It’s missing something,” Wheein insists.

“I’m not much of an artist,” Taehyung shrugs, “but if you think it’s missing something, can you fix it?”

His tone isn’t impolite, merely curious and Wheein is grateful that he isn’t undermining her opinion.

“I’m not sure,” Wheein says thoughtfully, tilting her head. She rests more of her weight on her right leg. Her left foot taps a patient beat against the floor as Wheein considers her options. “The goal of this painting was to capture a city a night, hence the bright coloring and dark background. But it lacks all of the necessary shadows that bring paintings to life. For realism.”

Taehyung nods, taking another look at the painting, “I see what you mean,”

Wheein pouts, “I’m sorry I really wanted to give you this for your birthday. I didn’t have anything else-“

Taehyung steps in front of her, cupping her cheeks. “Hey,” he cuts her off gently, “I honestly still really love the painting, even if you maybe made a mistake or two. And I would be thrilled if you’d let me hang this up anyway.”

“It is your painting,” Wheein mumbles, still a little embarrassed.

“If you aren’t comfortable with me having it though, I don’t need to take it,” Taehyung says firmly, “I’m really just excited to spend my day with you.”

Wheein’s heart flutters and his eyes crinkle when he smiles at her, sincere and careful. He kisses her softly, one, twice, and Wheein steals a third for good measure.

It’s not easy the easy relationship she had with Seonghwan, who never challenged her, never pushed her. Taehyung is considerate and patient and listens seriously when Wheein has complaints or thoughts and provides thoughtful questions of his own. He isn’t afraid to disagree or know less about a topic and he never puts down Wheein when she doesn’t understand something either.

It’s a slow and steady build, something that lets Wheein feel certain where she stands and maybe that’s enough.

+++++

Hyejin finishes her volleyball game with a sense of satisfaction.

They’d won, a hard fought battle that went into three games. Despite the kneepads, Hyejin is positive there will be bruises tomorrow, not only on her legs but on her arms as well.

Her whole body aches and trembles and she moves slowly when she changes in the locker room. All of her teammates change quickly and leave with haste, chattering something about vice versa coming up. 

The door bangs shut behind them and Hyejin exhales slowly, resting her heated forehead against the cool metal of the locker.

She’s pulling up her sweatpants, still without a shirt, when the door opens again. Something drags noisily along the tiles and Kei appears, dressed in her cheer uniform. The skirt sways with every step she takes and Hyejin admires her lean legs.

Kei shoves the mat she had been dragging into a storage closet, huffing to herself when she’s finished. She glares at the door one last time before turning around to walk out, finally catching sight of Hyejin.

A soft smile immediately spreads across Kei’s face and Hyejin feels more heat rise to her cheeks. The smile transforms into something hungry as Kei seems to register Hyejin’s current state of undress.

She prowls forward, and Hyejin’s heartbeat spikes. There’s something thrilling about watching Kei’s sweet persona drop. Her eyes rake over Hyejin’s chest, dip lower to the exposed smooth skin of her stomach. Hyejin feels her tongue dart out of its own accord, hooking around her teeth as she suppresses a shiver.

They collide without words. Kei backs Hyejin into the lockers and presses their curves together. While the cheerleader is more slight than Hyejin, all lean muscle and flat stomach, Kei bears down on Hyejin as though she means to consume her.

Hyejin would gladly let Kei consume her, with hot, wet kisses trailing down Hyejin’s throat and strong fingers gripping her hips.

Her own hands sweep up the length of Kei’s back, rucking up her cheer uniform to dig her nails into Kei’s smooth skin. Anytime Hyejin uses her nails, Kei makes this noise in the back of her throat. Choked, like maybe she doesn’t want to admit how much she likes a little bit of pain but also unable to stop the noise of pleasure completely. 

Kei presses one more sweet kiss to Hyejin’s lips before moving away. The cheerleader takes in Hyejin’s kiss swollen lips and dazed expression with a feral grin, possessive and pleased.

“I’ll see you later tonight? After practice?”

Hyejin nods absently, her fingers coming up to trace her lips.

Kei throws a flirty wink over her shoulder before she flounces out, her ponytail swaying in time with her skirt. Hyejin’s stomach burns and the weight of letting go hits her full force.

It’s not love, but for the first time, Hyejin thinks that one day it could be. 

+++++

Wheein breaks up with Taehyung. 

Unlike her last breakup, Taehyung is hurt. He doesn’t yell at Wheein but his voice is louder than Wheein has ever heard it, broken and confused. His eyes glisten with tears and Wheein’s heart clenches in her chest. 

That night, Wheein paints a bridge in the moonlight. It’s been a while since she’s done just a pure landscape and the blue of the sky seems to match her sadness perfectly.

But the reflection of the moon ripples on the water underneath the bridge, perfectly capturing the light Wheein has been missing in everything else. It feels like clarity and relief and Wheein doesn’t even know why she feels whole instead of shattered. 

+++++

Sometimes, Hyejin likes to go on drives.

She gets into her car on nights she can’t sleep, when the house feels empty without her sisters and with her mom. Her foot presses gently on the gas and she watches the city lights absentmindedly and just drives.

On certain nights, she’ll play sad music. Listen to the arrangement of the song and how it resonates in her chest. How the strings and notes seem to express all she can’t put into words. On those nights, Hyejin can feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes.

Other nights call for loud music to drown out the rest of the world. Something to fill the spaces between the stars and the emptiness in the dark. Hyejin feels angry and lost during those nights. Feels like no one else could possibly understand her. But the music is always there to remind her-

She isn’t alone. 

+++++

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, Hyejin sits down on an old rocking chair in Wheein’s basement and writes a song.

Well there’s no paper involved, no music sheets and definitely no real instrumental. Wheein invited Hyejin over to help clean the basement but it seems that her best friend has other plans.

(it should be irritating)

(it isn’t)

Hyejin has found an old ukulele in the midst of her cleaning. She pulls the instrument into her lap, tossing her hair over one of her shoulders and arranging her fingers on the neck of the guitar. Wheein knows that Hyejin can’t play any instrument besides the piano, and even her piano playing is below average.

Still, she strums the cords slowly. Her chest rises and falls in time with the note that the instrument makes. Besides the slight movement of her fingers, Hyejin is almost unnaturally still, illuminated by the yellow light of the edison bulb hanging from the center of the room.

Wheein’s fingers twitch reflexively for her sketchpad, eager to catch how Hyejin’s hair curls and the way the light makes her skin look so much softer. She almost wants to tell Hyejin to get back to work, but it’s almost time to start cooking dinner and stopping early won’t really hurt anything. 

Hyejin takes a deep breath, her eyes focusing on the instrument, blocking out everything around her-

_“I like the sea,_

_Sand beaches are my thing-”_

Her voice makes Wheein’s mouth fall open, just slightly. It’s gentle, still raspy and colorful, but softened. Quieter than Wheein has ever really heard Hyejin, and she falls under her spell instantly, captivated by the low cadence of her voice.

_“Beautiful, Beautiful,_

_Beautiful, Beautiful-_

_Hawaii Hawaii How are you?_

_Nothing can stop me here,_

_Hawaii Hawaii How are you?_

_I feel so happy with you-”_

Hyejin stops, the quiet filling the space once more. Except now it makes Wheein uncomfortable. What once seemed like a peaceful now feels desolate and Wheein suppresses the shiver that creeps up her spine.

She places the ukulele down on the rocking chair, oblivious to Wheein’s sharp gaze.

“Dinner?”

+++++

Kei graduates a semester early, due to credits and a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school that Hyejin knows she’ll never apply for.

(college applications make her head throb like nothing else, her palms sweat and her toes fidget and her stomach roll over like maybe she’ll puke)

Hyejin goes to the graduation ceremony but after they call Kei’s name, she ducks out. 

Kei finds her later, sitting in the grass and twisting the sleeves of her sweatshirt anxiously.

There is only a sad kiss goodbye and Hyejin’s chest tightening with the finality of losing someone so good in her life. They know they won’t be trying long distance, neither of them are cut out for that. 

She walks away and Hyejin embraces the wind against her face.

+++++

It should be startling how easy the rest of senior year is.

Hyejin and Wheein spend all of their time together yet again. The tension has lifted and with the departure of their significant others, they gravitate toward each other as though there had never been any space between them at all. 

Wheein presses sloppy kisses to Hyejin’s jaw first thing in the morning when she arrives at school. The chapstick Wheein wears is sticky against her skin but Hyejin refuses to wipe it off and the touch of it burns against her skin. 

During lunch, Hyejin hooks her foot around Wheein’s calf, presses them thigh to thigh and eats the bites of food that Wheein feeds her. 

They’re tactile, in a way they haven’t truly been since elementary school but it doesn’t make Hyejin’s heart clench as hard as it used to. 

She feels lighter in Wheein’s presence now. Like the world is in equilibrium once more and even if sometimes her skin tingles when it brushes Wheein, it isn’t the end of her world, of their friendship. They’ve been with other people, there will always be other people. But they always come back together, Wheein and Hyejin. Best friends.

And that’s enough. 

It has to be. 

+++++

They go to prom together.

Wheein claims she’s had no time to date between studying for exams and submitting college applications and looking for a summer job.

(Hyejin’s stomach bottoms out everytime she is reminded of her future, uncertain and heavy with the weight of college applications and school work she doesn’t enjoy)

So Hyejin asks Wheein to prom in the afternoon light of Wheein’s living room.

Wheein says yes and asks if she should wear a dress or a suit.

Hyejin tells her to make it a surprise.

That’s how Hyejin finds herself on Wheein’s doorstep, corsage in hand and black blazer draped over her shoulders. She’ll lose the blazer soon enough, the night is warm and even with the sunsetting Hyejin can feel the way her palms become sticky.

Or maybe that's just the nerves.

Because Wheein looks… Wheein looks-

She looks perfect.

A swell of emotion threatens to flood Hyejin and she can feel the way tears prick at the corners of her eyes because of the absolute vision in front of her.

Wheein opted for a suit, perfectly tailored to her height and body and it shows. The pants leave nothing to the imagination and elongate her legs in a way Hyejin never thought possible. The undershirt Wheein has chosen is not a traditional button up but something simple, probably a tank top of t-shirt made of nice, form fitting material. The blazer Wheein wears accentuates her waist and the sleeves have been rolled up to show off the smooth skin of her forearms.

Hyejin chokes on her words, which should have been a greeting or a compliment or anything besides this sputtering she is currently doing.

In Wheein’s hand is an identical corsage to the one in Hyejin’s grasp. The only difference is that while Hyejin holds a white rose for Wheein, Wheein holds a yellow rose for Hyejin.

“You look good,” Wheein says plainly, if a little shy and Hyejin can’t fight the blush that rises to her cheeks.

“This is for you,” Hyejin states, waving the box in her hand.

“Oh it isn’t for your other date?”

“Shut up,”

Hyejin slides the flower on Wheein’s wrist with trembling hands and a heavy heart. When she exhales, she feels herself fall a little harder.

Wheein takes Hyejin’s hand in hers and uses the other to slide the corsage on with one hand skillfully, Hyejin watches the flower fit against her wrist and Wheein watches her.

When Wheein doesn’t let go of Hyejin’s wrist, she raises her head, meeting Wheein’s gaze with matching intensity. 

And maybe Hyejin will always be a little hopelessly in love with Wheein. But it doesn’t have to end their friendship.

It won’t.

+++++

On prom night, they dance. 

Wheein dances with the grace of someone who has been doing it for years. Her fingertips flick when she hits a move and the lines of her body stretch against her form fitting suit.

Hyejin dances like she flirts, with exactly one move.

She rolls her hips and drags her hands through her own hair, embracing the way the music ignites her blood. It races through her entire body, setting the very air around her alight with energy that intoxicates all who watch.

And Wheein watches.

She watches Hyejin beckon Wheein to her, watches her fingers grab at those full hips and get swept under Hyejin’s spell, powerless to stop her.

And when the song slows, they stay. Wheein controls their pace and Hyejin links her fingers together behind Wheein’s neck. They bring their heads together, resting against one another in the middle of the dance floor.

Hyejin keeps her eyes closed, too afraid of falling too far.

But Wheein has her eyes open, taking in the peaceful expression of her best friend. Hyejin’s breathing is even and sure, strong in Wheein’s embrace as Wheein is strong in hers. They lean on one another, supportive but not dependent. 

Wheein loves her best friend.

+++++

After graduation, life seems to settle down.

Wheein feels like she can finally breathe. Walking across the stage, being handed her diploma, taking pictures with classmates she’ll probably never talk to again. Everything feels surreal.

She has plans. Wheein has already received numerous scholarships and an offer to join the dance team at her college of choice. She’ll major in something art related and minor in business and maybe one day open her own gallery. 

But for now, Wheein sits on the rooftop with her best friend, watching the clouds move and basking in the summer sun. 

Hyejin is lost in thought, her eyes glazed over as she absorbs the warmth of the sun. There’s a small smile playing at the edge of her lips but her face is otherwise still, pensive and almost remorseful.

“When do you leave for college?” Hyejin says out of the blue.

Wheein startles, nearly dropping the fruit cup in hand. She turns to eye Hyejin out of the corner of her eye. Hyejin hasn’t said anything about her post college plans, hasn’t mentioned any acceptance letters or where she’s moving come August.

“It’s a five hour drive and my move-in date is August 15th,” Wheein says, her brow furrowed, “Neither of my parents would want to spend the night so probably early on the 15th.”

Hyejin inclines her head absentmindedly, as though she isn’t truly processing this conversation.

“You never told me what college you got into,” Wheein prompts, fully turning her head to stare at Hyejin’s side profile. There’s a new fullness to her cheeks that has softened the once harsh edge of her jaw. Wheein wants to trace the skin there and marvel at the healthy glow that seems to emit from Hyejin’s warm skin.

  
  


For a moment, Hyejin does nothing in response. Wheein almost asks the question again before Hyejin lifts a shoulder.

Wheein tried not to feel hurt by that but her tone is a little too sharp when she says, “Are you ever going to tell me or are you going to remain cool and aloof?”

Hyejin doesn’t even flinch.

Despite the summer air, Wheein shivers slightly, the wind picking up. Hyejin reaches out, grasps her forearm with slender fingers and clammy palms. 

“What would you do if I died?”

At first, Wheein doesn’t hear the words. There’s white noise filling her ears and all she sees is a blur of colors. But the world sharpens and at its center is Hyejin, with sensitive brown eyes and a thoughtful frown and a question on her lips.

“What?”

“Just tell me,” Hyejin insists, her grip tightening on Wheein’s arm.

Wheein stays silent for a moment as she considers her best friend. She loves Hyejin, has grown up with her, matured with her. Everything in the universe pulls Wheein back to Hyejin, at the end of the hour, or day, of year. Life would continue without her, without either of them. It’d be foolish to think they matter that much.

But Wheein’s world? Wheein’s world doesn’t exist without Hyejin. Wheein doesn’t exist with Hyejin. It isn’t codependency, or lack of individuality. It’s…

It is a force of nature. As natural as the Earth’s gravity, as strong as the winds of a hurricane, as important as the sunlight that warms the Earth. A world without Hyejin looks barren, like a desert. It looks like a desert without the color yellow, without the plants that give it character, without everything that makes a desert something to admire.

Without character. Monotone and dull and-

“How could I live without you?” Wheen whispers, the words scraping against her throat.

Hyejin blinks a few times, as if she is about to cry. But she doesn’t look sad, or surprised, or touched. She just holds on tight to Wheein, eyes boring into Wheein’s soul. 

“Would you run away with me?” Hyejin asks.

Wheein’s brow furrows, “Are you worried about college? We’ve done okay on our own before. Even if we aren’t together, I’ll still text you everyday.”

Before Wheein can even finish, Hyejin is shaking her head.

“Nevermind,”

And Hyejin’s voice is soft, so soft. Wheein can feel the panic rising within her, that maybe Hyejin doesn’t want this. Maybe she wants the opposite. Wants to go to college and meet a new best friend and leave behind her life here forever.

The thought of it leaves Wheein feeling nauseous. 

“I love you,” Wheein blurts.

For a moment, the sun seems to dim. The air around her grows distant and all Wheein can see, can feel, is the way Hyejin’s lips curl in happiness. How it reaches her eyes and lights them up with life. 

“I love you too,” Hyejin says, oh so gentle.

They stay there for hours, Wheein and Hyejin, before college tears them apart. 


End file.
